When a human male husband’s life becomes dreary and monotonous, he’ll either join a dating site and have an affair. Or he’ll melt cheese.

Cheese melting is a sign of a midlife crisis (as are other food-based behaviours such as eating too many instant noodles) and human female wives would be wary of the dire consequences. In 2023, statistics show some 65% of divorces were due to a husband’s cheese melting addiction.

The cost of such a hobby (spending £1,000s on cheese) is also debilitating for many families. But we’re here to help with another classic agony aunt session.

Cheese Melting: When a Husband’s Midlife Crisis Bolsters the Dairy Industry

Dear agony aunt,

I’ve read your column recently and find you offer horrendous “advice” and I think you’re a disgrace to your profession. However… I’m at my lowest ebb and feel there’s no one else to turn to. In desperate times, I suppose one will forgive even the most catastrophic of failings to seek emotional support.

It’s my husband—John. We’ve been married for 10 years, but over the last few months he’s been bored and listless. He’s 45 so I’m guessing it’s a midlife crisis, but instead of buying a Porsche, building a porch extension, or getting a leather jacket… he’s taken to the kitchen to melt down lots of cheese.

Having looked this up online I discovered this is a phenomenon that affects quite a few married men. It’s even got a name—Cheese Melting.

So far my husband has spent £6,751.31 on cheese and all of it has been melted down in a fit of rage while he sobs over the melting ruins of the former cheese block. It’s fair to say watching him in the kitchen doing this every day is a bit… pathetic. Like, grow a pair, man! What the hell’s wrong with you!?

It’s a delicate matter so I decided to approach him carefully about it. One night, I refused his advances in bed and instead started screaming in high-pitched fashion about the cheese melting, the costs of all the cheese, and what the hell he was playing it.

He got extremely defensive in the way only men can muster up, gaslighting me by saying it’s my fault for not keeping enough melted cheese on the premises, and accusing me of being a communist spy.

I reminded him (by screaming hysterically, of course) that I’m lactose intolerant and have a well-documented history of attending far-right bigoted marches. Thus, his claims were hopelessly inaccurate and stupid.

Again, he got extremely defensive in the way only men can muster up and denied he’d been melting cheese and had only done it once or twice.

The next morning at breakfast he was there again, with a giant block of Red Leicester cheese, melting it down in between sobs and roars of manly menace.

When will he grow out of this phase, please?

Thank you,

Patricia

Hi there, Pat! Cheese melting is indeed a major sign of a midlife crisis. It can be very frustrating, and saddening, for family members to watch on as giant globules of melting cheese invade the privacy of their home.

One way out of this is to ensure your husband only buys vegan cheese, as that stuff doesn’t melt in the same way as regular cheese does.

Either way it needs addressing. If left to their own devices, those addicted to cheese melting follow a deleterious and destructive path that usually goes like this:

• A growing sense of cheese-based pyromania.
  • In other words, determination to see all cheese melted (despite the impossibility of this concept on an international scale).
• Barging into local supermarkets and demanding the cheese on the cheese counter be melted.
• Barging into restaurants and demanding all cheese be melted.
• Obliterating cheesecake off the face of the planet (through melting).

Your average cheese melter won’t make it beyond the barging into supermarkets bit before being arrested.

Sadly, current laws regarding this matter are draconian. In the UK across 2023, some 451 cheese melting husbands were sentenced to life imprisonment for crimes against cheese.

It’s a sad state of affairs, yet a clear indication your husband needs to cut this crap out, Pat! So, we suggest the vegan cheese route.

Failing that, take our tried-and-tested tactic—hobble him with a sledgehammer! Then he won’t be able to get near any cheese at all. Best of luck!