Working at work during the summer months can be a taxing time for employees and employers such as yourself.

The most immediate concern is sweat. There’ll be a lot of it and it’ll be getting everywhere, clogging up meeting rooms and making stairways a workplace hazard.

As such, you need to have a summer policy to ensure no one dies horribly. In this guide, we’ll take you through the ins and outs of the right type of shades to the best cocktails to serve dehydrated staff members.

The Horror of Working During the Summer: Guide for Employers on Surviving the Hot Months

There are various Acts that regulate seasonal changes in the workplace. These include:

• The Arrival of Summer at Work Act 1974
• The Arrival of Autumn at Work Act 1974
• The Arrival of Winter at Work Act 1974
• The Arrival of Spring at Work Act 1974

The, aforementioned, Acts are consolidated within The Seasonal Changes (Miscellaneous) at Work Act 1974.

The Acts are Acts and, therefore, Act within each Act as an Act. Thus, and truly, it’s within certain ramifications that the Acts can Act upon each other, pertaining to the Acts, notwithstanding, acting upon one legislating Act over another within certain guidelines (outlined in each Act).

And we’ve no idea what that means either.

However, it’s good business practice to adhere to the seven core rules The Arrival of Summer at Work Act 1974 outlines on page 1 of 35,000. There are:

1. As summer is hot, install at least one fan.
2. Have an abundance of ice lollies available.
3. Have a mop and bucket on hand 24/7 to mop up all the sweat
4. Use incense burners to mask the rancid stench of BO.
5. Volubly remind staff they must work harder than hard or won’t get paid.
6. Scream obscenities at anyone with a sweaty forehead.
7. FLIP-FLOPS ARE FORBIDDEN!

Please refer to the flip-flops at work guidelines for further insights on that last point. Failure to adhere to said guidelines may result in a horrifying fate.

How Sweating During the Summer Threatens Capitalism

One of the biggest threats to the joyous raptures of capitalism (other than THE WOKE MOB!) is sweaty employees stuck indoors during the summer heat.

It’s estimated sweating employees cost the UK economy £3 billion annually as they’re too busy feeling sweaty and uncomfortable to do any work. Plus, many talentless staff fall flat on their backsides during to all the sweat.

This is bollocks. As an employer, you must address the matter with loud shouting and ice lollies. This is why:

• The shouting instigates freeloading members of staff back into action.
• The ice lollies cool them down and eases panic attacks brought about due to your pointless yelling.

Should the workplace sweating be so atrocious it floods the office, disseminate wellies around to allow employees to wade about the place.

You can complement this with full facemasks/hazmat suits for any snowflake staff members who can’t handle the repugnant smells.

Why You Mustn’t Give in to PATHETIC Requests for Remote Working

Some lazy as hell staff members may request work from home days (hybrid working) to alleviate the “stress” of commuting in boiling temperatures.

This is utter bullshit. Don’t put up with such dismal manipulative practices. Give the offending employee and instant pay cut and demotion.

Commuting in 35 degree heat on packed trains with nowhere to sit is a rapturous experience. They should consider it along the lines of a spiritual revelation—as if God himself has chosen them for this special moment to stand there drenched in sweat while some half naked chav eats a bag of cheese & onion crisps within 0.3 feet of them.

As the old saying goes, the stench of BO is the stench of success! And employees should have that forced into their face when the train judders and the chav’s sweaty armpit jams into their face momentarily to cap off a fine day at work.

Dress Code During the Summer

Some employees may begin arriving to work wearing inappropriate clothing. This is because the excess heat can trigger feelings of excessive attractiveness.

However, the sight of 60 year old Bill from accounts arriving in nothing but hot pants may be off-putting for his colleagues. Due to THE WOKE MOB and the need to NOT OFFEND ANYBODY THESE DAYS, you’ll need to tread delicately around this matter.

As such, we recommend you take someone like Bill to one side an menace him in this manner:

“Now look here, Bill… your grotesque form is putting everyone off working, off eating lunch, and off existing in general. You look horrible! What are you thinking?! Why do we need to stare at that huge beer belly while we work with all those folds of manly flab slathered in sweat and you expect people to be able to meet KPIs when forcing this upon us all?! Go home at once and at least put a bikini top on or something. Then return and work YOUR FULL SHIFT as you’re not taking that as working time.”

That’ll solve that problem. As will issuing updated dress code policies for any summer period, in which you can stipulate people bloody well behave themselves with conservative dress sense.

Conclusion: Summer is No Obstacle to Your Business

Whether you sell smart diapers that issue spreadsheets on regularity of fouling, or SaaS products that monitor manly belches per hour, don’t let summer boss you about.

Summer is just the weather.

Your business is probably a million pound earner already. Hence no need to pay any attention to what the weather throws at you. Success is the arbitrator here and money is above even a volcanic eruption.

Man has conquered the Earth. Don’t let a bit of sweat derail your genius, business owner! You’ve got this. 💪