Workplace disturbances are horrendous for productivity. Whether it’s an employee humming loudly at their desk or breaking out into yodelling, distractions can ruin your profit margins.

In fact, distractions may well DESTROY the free world and that’s what the communists want.

As such, it’s good business practice to cut down on stomach grumbling in the workplace. We don’t mean providing the likes of free lunches (as that, again, is communism), but what we do mean is ensuring GURGLING or GRUMBLING stomachs cannot be heard. Onward.

Stomach Gurgling Noises in the Office: The How, Where, When, and Why of It

The Stomach Rumbling and Gurgling at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter. The 337,000 page Act is so thorough, so magnificent in its reach there has been no need to update it in 50 years.

The Act states clearly that stomach rumbling at work is:

• Inevitable
• Always obnoxious
• The most severe threat to democracy (outside of nuclear war)

Despite the severity of this employment law, few employers actually pay any attention to grumbling tummies anymore. Bosses have become LAZY. They need to understand the dire threat these rumbles pose to money, success, and wealth.

The Hellish Outcomes of Allowing Employees’ Stomachs to Rumble

Constant rumbling tummies in the workplace can destroy your professional image.

Think about it.

An essential VIP stakeholder turns up to your office to inspect the pathetic, low paid wankers you’ve hired to make you and him rich. He sneers down haughtily at these low-life cretins, most of him peer back in total adoration at their superior overlord in the vague hope they may get a £2k raise at the end of the year.

The stakeholder may well be a benevolent superrich dickhead, but then… he hears a stomach rumble! Then another!!

AND ANOTHER!

Disgusted, he storms out of the office, commandeers a fighter jet from the nearest fighter jet emporium, takes off, and GUNS your premises into the dirt with a hellish inferno of rockets and bullet fire.

We can assure you—that is the most convincing way for a stakeholder to ruin the pay-rise based dreams of pathetic losers who don’t even own a condo as part of their property portfolio side-hustle.

Address Stomachs Head On: Ensuring Those Buggers NEVER Rumble!

Let’s get ready to NOT rumble. That is your motto henceforth. Print it off on A5 sheets of paper and nail the motto into every way around your office.

Get your employees to congregate around the posters each morning to announce the motto verbatim:

“LET’S GET READY TO NOT RUMBLE!”

Repeat 150 times each morning to drill this into their thick skulls. This will take about 30 minutes and is, essentially, a complete and utter waste of company time.

However, in the grand scheme of things it’s crucial to ensure communism is defeated and your stakeholders stay on-site long enough to recognise you for the genius CEO that you are.

Food and Other Substances as a Rumbling Stomach Cure-All

Some business experts would suggest feeding your employees will ensure a total removal of the rumbling stomach problem. This is not the case and is, in fact, and amateurish mistake.

Tests show that if you continuously ply employees with food they’ll become:

• Morbidly obese
• Lazy
• Listless
• Prone to flatulence

They’ll also get a different type of stomach-based noise. That of gurgling (due to indigestion), which is just as bad (if not worse) than rumbling due to borderline starvation.

The answer here is so brilliant only a genius business mind could ever think to invent it—crustless cucumber sandwiches. These offer just enough carbs to stave off starvation, whilst also removing the crusts and ensuring employees don’t end up bloated and gaseous.

Rest assured, some employees will still find one way or another to be grotesque.

For example, belching loudly or “letting rip” with things hiding inside their intestines. But the rumbling stomach shall be obliterated with the canny use of cucumbers.

Commence immediate growth of a cucumber patch somewhere near your property. Provide the bread, too, just ensure it’s cheap as chips white garbage packed with ultra-processed ingredients! But serve these sandwiches daily to your employees to ensure they’re as noiseless as possible through the working day.

But if that fails and their stomachs continue to rumble? INSTANT DISMISSAL FOR THE LOT OF THEM!