Here we are again. It’s 2025 and we’ve got some hunky hunky hunks for you ladies to peruse (or try out 2025’s men seeking women lonely hearts)! If you’re a human female seeking a man bloke, here’s a fine selection. Simply pick the number, let us know, and we’ll arrange contact.

You’ll have at least 17 kids before the year is out. No need to thank us! Thank cupid for that.

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Box 1: Lonely Old Fart, 55, Bolton

• Hobbies: Complaining
• Ambitions: To complain more, meet some broad, eat more pies
• Looking for: A woman

Hi I’m Roy and I’m a lonely old fart here on lonely hearts. People say to me 55 isn’t that old and I take a swing at them, me, especially if I’ve had one too many. Friends say I’ve got a dead “negative” view of the world and I remind them that someone’s gotta do it so might as well be me.

When not complaining about stuff all the time I do my day job of unclogging toilets. By which I mean I’m a plumber. I’m known as the best toilet unclogger in the north west, me, can unclog ’em in 60 seconds flat. The technique I use is to skip all the namby pamby crap and just get down there, on me knees, and jam me bloody arm right up ubend. You can get a dead good grip on stuff that way although the customers always look a bit startled when I walk out their home with me arm reeking and covered in poo. All in a day’s work, me.

Anyway, what I’d like from a woman is someone who looks all right and is fine listening to me complain. That’s all I wanna do and I’m don’t wanna hear your life story.

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Box 2: Butt Ugly (But Body of Adonis), 45, Rochdale

• Hobbies: Gym
• Ambitions: More gym
• Looking for: A hot woman

Hi there I’m Norman, 45, work at at the UK’s most respected supermarket chain. I’m looking to date a woman (preferably a dead hot one). I’ll be honest—I don’t look so good. My friend Dave said my face looks like “a butter pie that some drunk fat bloke sat on” and I think he’s probably spot on with that assessment.

To get around not being the most handsome chap in town, I hit the gym, started pumping iron, and in so doing I’ve developed a pretty full on steroid addiction.

The upside to that is I’ve got the hottest body in all of Lancashire! Seriously, one look at me and you’ll be like, “Jesus H Christ, Norman, marry me now!” Or words to that affect… or is it effect? I can’t remember, I’m not a walking dictionary.

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Box 3: Toxic Tony, 18, Bognor Regis

• Hobbies: Being a petulant annoyance to society
• Ambitions: To become a billionaire
• Looking for: Yeah whatever

Hey there I’m 18 and better than you’ll ever be. I’m an alpha male, not an alpha snail, and I expect my woman to keep 30 yards behind me at all times and only speak to me for the purposes of what I call The Physical Act of Love.

Now, I’ve had lots of people call me a “disgusting piece of toxic masculinity shite” for this attitude, which I refuse to acknowledge because for some baffling reason I lack the self-awareness skills to recognise I’m a repugnant dickhead who represents everything wrong with the world.

Rest assured, I’ll never have that realisation! And so I’ll continue to blame everyone else for all the problems people like me create.

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Box 4: Not Hear Fore an Penpal, 50, Nottingham

• Hobbies: Talking
• Ambitions: Dating
• Looking for: Marriage

Hello I’m Brian and I’m not hear fore an penpal so just agree to my every demand and let’s start dating thanks.

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Box 5: Carrot Soup Fanatic, 35, Leeds

• Hobbies: Carrot soup
• Ambitions: Anything to do with carrot soup
• Looking for: Someone to help me cook carrot soup in vast quantities

I’m Eric and I’m obsessed with carrot soup. I don’t want, or need, a girlfriend or a wife. But I do need someone who can help me cook endless batches of carrot soup for my carrot soup small business. The hours are long and you’ll probably get sick of the sight of carrots. I have little sense of humour and no time to indulge in any sort of criticism of the perfect organism that is the carrot. As such, only apply for this role if you are as clinically insane as I am.

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Box 6: Banned From Lonely Hearts

This user has been permanently BANNED from our lonely hearts after it became apparent he was using pictures of Brad Pitt. We do not tolerate FAKE PROFILES on our platform.

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Box 7: Banned From Lonely Hearts

This user has been permanently BANNED from our lonely hearts after asking for £500 to help cover their flight costs from Barbados to Scunthorpe. Please note, if anyone asks you for money on this platform, please send that money to us instead.

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Box 8: Keith the Kangaroo

• Hobbies: Being a kangaroo
• Ambitions: To continue being a kangaroo
• Looking for: A kangaroo mate

Hi there, I’m John the owner of Keith the kangaroo. I’ve come to realise my exotic pet is a bit lonely and could do with some “rumpy pumpy”. As such, I’ve put out this advert to attract a mate. He’s a fine kangaroo specimen with a kick powerful enough to knock someone’s block off! He’d be a great kangaroo husband to a female kangaroo (or a woman if you’re really, really desperate because I know how horrible most guys are these days).

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Box 9: True Gamer Bro, 36, London

• Hobbies: Gaming
• Ambitions: To be the ultimate True Gamer
• Looking for: A woman to wash my underwear

Hi there I’m a True Gamer. I play nothing but the latest AAA games on the PS5 and think anything else is NooOoOBIE SCUuuuuUUmM! My mother says I’m too intellectual, sensitive, and mature for most women my age, which is why I’ve been single so long, but I think those SKAAaaaANKS are JUST BIG STUPID LOSERS!

I play games 100 hours a week and I’m a bit on the podgy side, but that’s just more of me to love ladies. For efficiency purposes, you must:

• Be a gamer
• But a gamer who has a PS5
• If you have a ZZZZBOX or a Nintendo SHITCH or a PC Mustard Race then you can KISS MY ASS LOL LOL LOL LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I’m in need of a girlfriend to do my underwear because extended periods of seated gaming leads to some serious bed sores and “accidents” in my undies.

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Box 10: Transparent Weirdo, 45, Southampton

• Hobbies: Being weird
• Ambitions: Telling everyone I am weird
• Looking for: Someone who finds my weirdness endearing

Hi there I’m Jeremy and I collect broken spades, old socks, and used nappies from the local bins and I stash them all in my garage. The garage is busting at the seams and stinks real bad.

See that? That’s the level of good old fashioned honesty I bring to a relationship. What is it with modern women that they HATE this level of honesty?! This wouldn’t have happened in the good old days. Instead, women now go off for the super good looking hunks who DON’T collect used nappies and stash them in their garages. What’s the world coming to!?

It’s a real nice garage, too. Top notch. I asked the mothers if I can take the used nappies, but that’s when they call the cops on me so I don’t ask them no more.

Oh yeah, I also enjoy picking my nose with rusty old nails. I keep getting infections pretty bad, so when we have our date you may find my head has ballooned to the size of a watermelon. I think it makes me more attractive tbh.