Space. It’s big, it’s dark, and there’s no internet connection—why would you want to go out there? Because some damn fool likes the look of Mars.

Whether you’re a bit stupid or just a bit reckless, the red planet may prove enticing. It’s got rocks on it and has a thin atmosphere. Who wouldn’t want to go there?

Well, today’s human female doesn’t want to go to Mars as her human male does want to go there. Thankfully, we’re here to sort out this familial squabble with our typical brand of inexplicable critical thinking abandonment.

We Choose to Go to Mars for Mars Bars

Dear agony aunt,

I’ve got a problem with my husband of 10 years in that he’s a goddamn idiot. He wants to go to Mars. He loves chocolate bars and his reasoning is there will be “loads” of Mars Bars on the planet. I’ve tried to explain to him this isn’t how reality works, but he’s not having any of it. “Why wouldn’t there be no Mars Bars on Mars? That’s just stupid, Amy! God…”

He’s signed the whole family up to several potential Mars trips, including that of NASA, in the hopes we’ll be accepted and get to go as a family. He also wants to take Henry, the family dog.

I’ve raised a considerable amount of objection to all of this. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO MARS! It looks rubbish and the chances of death along the way are a obstacle to my plan of staying alive. Plus what are our kids supposed to do? Jenny and Jim are but 6 and 7 years of age and although they’re massively in favour of the trip, what do they know? They’re kids! In 10 years Jenny and Jim would be sick to death of life on Mars, there’s nothing to do! No dreams to fulfil, no prospects. Just endless existential bleakness.

Jenny won’t listen to reason and last night screamed at me, “SHUTTUP MUMMY YOU’RE JUST  A BIG OLD STUPID DOODOOHEAD!” I was furious! I gave her my scariest gaze and roared back, “YOUNG LADY! GET UP TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT AND SLAM THE DOOR! YOU ARE GROUNDED!”

And do you know what she did?! Hmm!? She stormed upstairs and DIDN’T slam the door! That little maverick won’t acclimatise to life on Mars when she can’t follow basic instructions.

I told my husband, pleaded with him, but he’s waved it off. He called me “stupid” and that I didn’t have any “ambition” and I reminded him I’m the main breadwinner of the family and he’s just a janitor. Well, boy, he hit the roof. “JUST A JANITOR!?” He yelled over and over. He then brought up his oft repeated statistic that he’s won Janitor of the Year in our community for the last seven years, with a record number of public lavatories cleaned.

His plan is to email NASA his CV, boast about those stats, and go to NASA with his janitor gongs and demand to be allowed up to Mars.

I told him his plan is doomed to failure and he should focus, instead, on our upcoming planned holiday to Skegness.

In a sulk, to spite me he bought the most Mars Bars he’s ever bought and sat there all night eating as many as possible while watching The Martian, Mission to Mars, The Red Planet, John Carter, Mars Attacks!, Ghosts of Mars, and Total Recall (the original one with Big Arnie). By the time he got to Ghosts of Mars he was in a sugar frenzy and puked on the floor, passed out, and then came to at 1am to continue his Mars Bar binge.

Watching him there at 3am, his second run into Mars Attacks!, and onto his 321st Mars Bar, and I felt nothing but a sense of pity for this stupid, stupid man.

What should I do?

Yours,

Amy

Hi there, Amy. I don’t think you need to worry, your husband sounds like a blockheaded jackass. There’s no way NASA would hire anyone like him. SpaceX, on the other hand…

Well, anyway. If you hobble him (your husband) with a mop and a bucket he won’t be going anywhere. Problem solved. 🪣