Tesco is a major supermarket chain here in the UK. It’s been making waves this week after revealing the £3 glory of its birthday cake sandwich.

Yes, a mere £3 for a BIRTHDAY CAKE and SANDWICH all-in-one.

It’s difficult to quantify the level of perfection Tesco has achieved with this glorious abomination. All the same, today we’re going to explore its wider meaning to the future of humanity.

Is it a Cake? Is it a Sandwich!? NO! It’s the Birthday Cake Sandwich!!!

“Full fat soft cheese, seedless strawberry jam, multi-coloured edible sugar decorations and vanilla frosting in brioche style white bread.
GET IT WHILE YOU CAN ENJOY THE SWEET BRIOCHE STYLE BREAD WITH CREAM CHEESE ICING AND DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY JAM. AN ALL TIME FAVOURITE TREAT, IN AN ALL TIME FAVOURITE DEAL
LIMITED EDITION GET IT WHILE YOU CAN”

Whoever wrote the product copy for the cake-sandwich hybrid lost their mind after the first paragraph. AS THEY THEN GOT SO EXCITED THEY STOPPED FORMATTING THINGS PROPERLY AND ALSO WENT INTO FULL CAPS.

Indeed. We’re very excited, too.

There are two reviews on Tesco’s product page, both with wildly differing feedback. Here’s the second, as reported on 6th August 2025:

“Absolutely vile. Nothing redeeming about this “sandwich” at all. Don’t waste your money.”

Here’s the first, also as reported on 6th August 2025:

“Yeah it’s all about the hype and being viral on social media but it is actually pretty nice. Something different for a change. Wouldn’t want it every day”

Hype? Viral? Yes, this sandwich is like an airborne disease working its way across the UK. Including with the Financial Times, who ran this alarming article about the sandwich and the horrors of tax. In Here’s 1,000 words about Tesco’s birthday cake sandwich, none of which concern how it tastes, Louis Ashworth notes:

“And here’s our take on the birthday cake sandwich: it is even more clearly a sandwich than M&S’s. Let’s explain our reasoning. Primarily, we reckon this is a sandwich in the same crucial ways the RSDC is:

1. It is a sandwich.
2. It contains a reasonable amount and type of food inside parallel pieces of bread.

But Tesco’s birthday cake sandwich has what we reckon could be a further claim to sandwichicity: it’s part of the meal deal. As such, it can be bought alongside a drink and snack specifically in the same slot where one might otherwise buy a cheese sandwich, or a chicken wrap, or one of the many other “mains” available.”

He refers there to the UK’s response to “sandogate”, a further viral response to Marks & Spencer’s viral strawberry and creme sandwich on soft sweetened bread.

As we follow Japanese culture quite closely, this idea was hoiked from the Seven-Eleven Japanese stores that offer the sandwiches.

M&S made a  neat take on that, beat for beat, but Tesco went for the full bargain bin basement £3 option to speed along your journey towards type II diabetes.

Cheers for that, dudes! Love the concept, as an absurd take on the deleterious world of capitalism, but we won’t be trying it.