It’s that time of year again! IT’S THE BIG MOMENT!! Lonely Hearts 2026 is here and ready to rumble. If you’re a human female seeking a gorgeous gent, turn to the dreamboats below to find the love of thine life.
Box 1: Unfinished Meal Thief Tim, 45, Manchester
- Hobbies: Stealing unfinished meals from restaurants
- Ambitions: To not get caught doing this
- Looking for: Someone who’ll keep their trap shut
Hi there I’m Tim, but my mates call me Unfinished Meal Thief Tim. That’s because I lurk around in Manchester city centre outside restaurants, just waiting for some customers to leave who’ve left a chunk of food on their plates. Then when I can, I get in there, swipe the food, and leg it.
I’m looking for a wife. The wife needs to be fine with my unfinished meal habit. Because that’s all you’ll be eating, woman.
Box 2: Budgeting Bob, 55, Rochdale
- Hobbies: Budgeting
- Ambitions: To budget
- Looking for: Someone who can also budget
I’m on a budget, but I’m trying out online dating. That’s why I’ve used this free lonely hearts service. About me? I’m Bob, 55, work as a budget-friendly freelance janitor. I budget everything. EVERYTHING. Some women find that overbearing, so you must not find it overbearing, otherwise it’ll be overbearing for you.
Box 3: Busking Bruce, 19, Birmingham
- Hobbies: Busking, being unemployed, vaping
- Ambitions: To busk my way to superstardom
- Looking for: Babes
Some got a problem that I live by my own busking rules. I busk, therefore I am. Busking has taken me all the way around Birmingham. I’ve been spat at, shot at, punched, stabbed… you name it, busking did it to me. It’s only when you’ve head a knife blade between your ribs that you can sing heartfelt lyrics, though, and each wound adds a new blossom of bombasticness to my brilliance. Not sure what I want off this, though, just hit me up if you like listening to acoustic guitar songs about how a man can love a woman (i.e. through love songs). Including my No.1 hit in waiting How a Man Can Love a Woman (i.e. Through Love Songs).
Box 4: Jeff the Plumber and Existentialist, 65, Wales
- Hobbies: Fixing clogged toilets, existentialism
- Ambitions: To exist before essence
- Looking for: Clogged toilets
Where does all that water go? I know it goes down the drain, or the toilet bowl, or sink plughole… but why? Should we be afraid? I certainly am, which is why my life as a plumber… well, as Satre said: Hell is plumbers. I’m seeking a woman whom fears the drain.
Box 5: [USER BANNED]
This user was permanently banned from this platform for claiming to be the son of God.
Box 6: The Human Vacuum Cleaner, 58, Skegness
- Hobbies: Fixing clogged toilets, existentialism
- Ambitions: To exist before essence
- Looking for: Clogged toilets
My name is Kevin, but I prefer to be called The Human Vacuum Cleaner. Some people know me as the most perverted human in Skegness. I can be found crawling around on various floors, desperately trying to inhale dust from the floor. I am on a quest to seek an woman whom won’t judge me for my other hobby (stamp collecting).
Box 7: Let’s Take it Slow Simon, 89, Bury
- Hobbies: Taking things slow
- Ambitions: To takes things slow
- Looking for: Someone to take it slow with
Hello I’m Simon from Bury I’m 89 but look 87 at least still got my own hair, my own teeth and my own Porsche I bought it last year after winning £500k on the lottery. I’m an old-fashioned gentleman I drive quite fast, but take relationships slow. So I want at least 45 dates before committing to marriage. I have 5 kids from 3 other marriages. I want 1 more child at least, please wife-to-be, just a man of my time, not living in my timeline no more, looking for slow burner love.
Box 7: Human Calendar Harry, 68, Preston
- Hobbies: Memorising pointless dates
- Ambitions: To get into the Guinness Book of Records
- Looking for: Someone to train my memory skills on
Hello. I am Harry. I have memorised the events of every Tuesday over the last 1,000 years. Next stop is Wednesday, but I’m currently struggling to get beyond 1404. Thus, I’m seeking a woman whom knows what the weather was like across the month of March. year of 1404. If you’re capable of this feat then marriage is certain.
Box 8: [USER BANNED]
This user was permanently banned from this platform for repeatedly sending us slices of haddock in the mail. Cease and desist or face the full consequences of the law!
Box 9: [USER BANNED]
This user was permanently banned from this platform for repeatedly sending us slices of cod in the mail. We know this is the same person as box 8! Cease and desist immediately!!
Box 10: Seeking 2D Women William, 54, Bognor Regis
- Hobbies: 2D environments
- Ambitions: To leave this mortal 3D world for more salubrious environments
- Looking for: Flatland
I’m William and I’m tired of woman with their “depth” and “layers”. Fourth-wave feminism has made everything too complicated. I now pine for a 2D woman, akin to the world of Flatland, whom has flat opinions, flat needs, and, therefore, much less confusing things. BE WARNED! If I can see you when you turn sideways, it’s over!
