It goes without saying, but we’re going to say it anyway, that Halldór Laxness’s splendid Independent People (1935) is a splendid work of prose. Superb!
However, newly launched in fiction is Flight Attendant People by the author Jennifer McSheds. This former flight attendant retried in 2024 after 50 years in the industry and decided to write this experimental novel about a world where everyone is a flight attendant. Intrigued? So you bloody well should be!
An Ode to the Mile High Flight Attendant People
“For where there are flight attendants there is attendance; within that attendance is abundance; the very joys of being are emancipated when one is 30,000 miles high with an overpriced cup of coffee. That is the meaning of life; panoply.”
From the grandiloquent nature of her prose, it’s clear Jennifer McSheds took her career very seriously indeed. She rants and rambles about the superiority of the flight attendant. And how a society existing purely of them would be “panoply” (a word she uses 3,000 times across this sprawling 1,000 page novel).
Chapter 1 is even simply title: Panoply.
Such is the author’s infatuation with the noun, we put it to her that, indeed, the VERY NAME of her book should have, therefore, been retitled as Panoply (chortle guffaw haw haw).
Jokes aside, this book is an ode to a superiority complex. It may be defamation of character, but we have no hindrances in stating that Jennifer McSheds is a psychotic lunatic with a deranged sense of self. For example, dedicating 13 straight chapters to the main character’s observations on plane buckling etiquette is not only mind-numbingly boring, but also bordering on the obsessive.
We see no need for 13 consecutive chapters like that. 10, perhaps, but 13 is mental.
Anyway, the plot concerns the story of Jenny Shelves (possible inspired by the author’s name), who interacts with other flight attendants in their 10s of millions.
“Welcome to planet Earth! There are 8 billion flight attendants here, unconflicted and unbiased in their dedication to fly everyone everywhere, to ensure every plane belt is buckled, and armed with steaming hot jugs of coffee. Let us hope and pray there is no turbulence, otherwise that scalding hot water is going everywhere.”
The narrative arc is idiotic, with the author eventually meandering to the conclusion that being a flight attendant is the most important job in the world. On the closing paragraph of the entire work:
“Jenny Shelves stared out of the window and observed Bolton of Greater Manchester as the aircraft continued on its way toward Barbados. Truly, she new deep in her heart, that being a flight attendant was the most important job in the world.
The End”
The prologue from Jennifer McSheds includes a 3,000 word polemic about why it 100% is the most important job since “time began”. Well, we don’t agree!
And we stand by our belief that this woman is out of her mind.
Statement From Professional Moron’s Editor
In the aftermath of various social media statements about Mrs. Jenny McSheds, our esteemed editor (Mr. Wapojif) has been legally forced to issue the following apology for his berserk lies about the author of Flight Attendant People.
“It has come to my attention that the heinous swine Jenny McSheds is pressing charges against myself, and Professional Moron, for slander, libel, and defamation of character. I heartily endorse his/her actions, as I have no idea what any of those things are. They sound like a laugh so, what they hey! Go for it, woman!”
Please note, the views of our editor are his own and do not represent the totality of opinion at Professional Moron, other than by 100% representation, which is 10% less than 110% and, therefore, not a collective opinion.
