This week we’re dealing with that most heinous of crimes—all men being bastards. Whether it’s a big hairy back or a husband snoring, they sure can get on your goat.

And that’s why we’re here to help today’s human female overcome her frustrations with men and their bastard like ways.

Are All Men Bastards?

Dear Professional Moron. DAMMIT! Why are men such bastards I’m SICK of having to DEAL with MEN wherever I GO. Last month my boyfriend brought me an ice cream and it fell off the cone and splatted on my foot. I cried. He called me a "sissy" and laughed, so I stabbed him in the face with my iPhone and broke his incisors. He called the cops and I told them he mugged my sister (I don't have one really... I do have a pet rabbit though!) so he's in jail now. Right, then I dated this other guy last week and when I stole his wallet he called the cops! I had to besmirch his name, so I set fire to my trousers before the pigs arrived and, naturally, he's now in jail as well for arson. I mean proper WTF?! I'm 18 and deserve RESPECT! Yours, Lucy.

Hi Lucy! Cripes, you sound like you’re one crazed SOB. Take a chill pill and let us first inform you about some of your dismal failings as a human being.

Please note, Professional Moron is a family site and your obscene use of obscenities was pretty obscene just there.

We’re warning subsequent applicants for our services to lay off the vilification, otherwise we’ll be forced to rat you out as the rude son of a gun you are.

This is also vilification, true, but hypocrisy would be perfectly acceptable in this instance!

Sweeping Generalisations About Men are “Wrong”

Let us commence by stating that people who make sweeping generalisations are all imbeciles.

Indeed, anything which involves sweeping is fatuous to the extreme. We include sweeping with a sweep in this statement! We might as well be as sweeping as possible in our discourse here.

So what’s the beef? Simple, foolish girl! Sweeping generalisations are wrong. How can “all men [be] b&@%^&!s” when men have accomplished great things such as the sandwich, sandals, and baseball?

Indeed, being called a “sissy” is not an appropriate stimulus to smash someone’s face in.

If someone had called you “fat” or an “unconscionable slapper”, then perhaps it would be warranted, however we feel you should show restraint in your further interactions with men. We’ve drawn up a handy guide about them below to help you along.

Men: A Guide to Them

Men are tall, loud, often violent, and like to grow facial hair. Grunting and drinking beer are favourite pastimes.

If you wish to hang around with one of these things, do bear the following in mind:

• A flirtatious demeanour is not advised – the man should not be encouraged to flirt as this will inevitably lead to death, destruction, and global warfare.
• Whilst many men put on a macho exterior, they secretly like girly things such as cushions, deep baths, and free sandwiches.
• Never touch a man’s hair! This will enrage the beast within and lead to numerous instances from bullet point #1.
• Don’t be afraid to gently chastise a man if he gains several hundred pounds and starts finding it difficult to breathe and/or drops dead.
• To win over your man’s heart, wear provocative clothing at all times. Wear a polka dot dress, frolic about the place like an idiot, and dip your hat suggestively at certain times of the day. We realise part of this contravenes bullet point #1, but so what? Live a little!