Lonely Hearts Column #2 – 2017: Women Seeking Men

Online dating for men in 2017
It’s time for the men!

Having covered Men Seeking Women yesterday, now it’s time for the eligible bachelors out there to size up the ladies! What do men look for in women? After many studies, it has been confirmed the average male wishes only to have someone to stare at lecherously. Intelligence, candour, and personal conduct are irrelevant – so long as you can take a hot selfie, giggle, and know your place is in the kitchen, a woman is set for a fine existence in this hearty century of ours.

Women Seeking Men

Box #1 – VeggieValerie: My name is Valerie and I am a vegetarian. I believe this to be an illness caused by making Jesus cry, which is induced by behaviour such as eating vegetables. I believe humans were created to slay all before them, so until I conquer my vegetarianism I must live the life of a hypocrite. Therefore, I am looking for a male to help me see the light. Reintroduce McDonald’s to me and cook up a batch of sausages until I’m big and fat! I’m sick of this healthy lifestyle which makes me look and feel great – I want to be garbage!

Box #2 – FlirtyFiona: HIYA! I’m Fiona and I’m a real flirt! This is a personality disorder which is triggered off by my narcissism, insecurity, and chronic ADHD. I simply have to flirt with every man I see, even if I find him repulsive. Sooo… this gets a bit awkward in a relationship as my giggling, hair twizzling, and casual petting drives some blokes into fountains of jealous outrage! I only stop flirting when I get drunk, but then I began psychotically violent, so it’s a mixed bag with me, but I’m holding down a steady job as a lollipop lady, so there’s that security there which is so difficult to find in this day and age.

Box #3 – DickheadDeirdre: All right? The name’s Deirdre and I’m a dickhead. Now now, don’t say: “Ohhh, I’m sure you’re bloody lovely, Deirdre!” but, no, it ain’t true. I’m a total dickhead. Why should you date me? How the **** should I know?! I just want to ruin someone’s life for the ****ing thrill of being a dickhead.

Box #4 – CautiousCally: I like to be cautious in life as this way I can never be injured by, for instance, shrapnel or great white sharks. I spend my days working from home as a housewife whilst my husband works as a shelf builder. I’m bored, though, and need someone to hang around with. A mighty man. A man who isn’t cautious – one who will break wind openly in public and not apologise, get embarrassed, or try to blame someone else. A man who is reckless, psychotic, and a bit weird looking. Light up my life, enigmatic man! Make me into Crazy Cally!

Women Seeking Women

Box #1.1 – ShrillSusan: I consider myself to be one of those women who likes other women, which I pursue in an, admittedly, shrill type of way. I get a bit giddy, it’s just a nervous disposition. If you jump scare me, for instance, people will hear my wailing from a mile away. Don’t jump scare me, basically, especially if you value your hearing. The rest of the time I just speak in a, kind of, high pitched squeal – much like a mouse, but more like a rat. If you dig rats, drop me a line!

Box #1.2 – NastyNina: I’m only nice when I can get something out of it and the rest of the time I am one nasty bitch. That’s why they call me Nasty Nina. I’m not one of those dickheads who’s secretly lovely when you get to know me – all I give a damn about is being one odious SOB and working my way into a position of considerable power and then flaunting it. If you want to hang around with me, expect to be bossed about.

Box #1.3 – PenolopeThePoet: Hello there, you there! Roses are red and daffodils are not red – I may want to marry you! I am a poetic lady, and not a little bit shady, who likes to drink tea, even though it makes me wee, and enjoys bellowing to opera and wallowing in soap opera. If you date me you’ll catch fleas, but don’t worry I’m a dab hand with one of those flea removal combs. If you’d like to discuss fleas, then I will please! Get in touch!

Box #1.4 – Penny: My name is Penny, although I have nothing to do with monetary values so don’t get the wrong idea in your head, bitch! I like women rather than men. Men are just too disgusting to maintain my interest; all that coughing, itching, and hair! It’d be like dating a dog, but without the goddamn loyalty! Bastards. I don’t date dogs. I just date… cows? If you’d like a moorry (merry) time of it, get in touch for conversations!


  1. I almost fit into one of your boxes (#1). except I want to be cabbage! Garbage smells funny. Well, I suppose cabbage does, too, if you boil it. However, you can make cabbage rolls out of cabbage. They’re delicious. Garbage rolls taste odd, and don’t freeze as well as cabbage rolls do. So, you see, this is why I want to be cabbage.


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