Popular Greek dip tzatziki is to be renamed cucumber dip in the North of England to ensure easily confused locals stop injuring themselves attempting to pronounce its name.
After a series of well-publicised mishaps over the last year, Manchester City Council has seemingly kowtowed to public demand and renamed the dip. This led to widespread fury amongst middle-class foodies who believe their chances of appearing on cult TV show Come Dine with Me have been adversely affected. “This is horse****!” one man chanted in the city centre for 5 straight hours.
There was a slate of serious injuries throughout 2016 which led to the move. It appears Northerners particularly struggle with the pronunciation as their unique form of dialect can result in the brain shutting down due to the complexity of the multi-syllable “tzatziki” (pronounced: tzzz-at-see-key-HHHhuuuHHHhhhhhh-e). This can then lead to the skull smashing down onto tables, or reactions of rage due to the “unfair” difficulty of the word.
The incidents have been “innumerable”, according to a police report, although many aren’t reported due to the victim’s embarrassment. In Bury, Greater Manchester, a 59 year old male attempted to order the dip in a restaurant, a request which resulted in a dislocated knee and a brain haemorrhage after his tongue tripped over his gullet.
Most prominently, a school trip to a local pond ended in mayhem when a 5 year old with the popular dip on his sandwich caused a full-scale riot amongst the underprivileged classmates who were left with cheese and ham with margarine. Mr. Roger Rogerson, the headmaster of the affected St. Piles Primary School, publically condemned the very nature of tzatziki dip. He wailed:
"The very nature of tzatziki is to underprivilege the underprivileged. Not only can your average working class child not go into a store to order tzatziki, even my overprivleged middle class child cannot walk into a five star restaurant and order tzatziki without getting a black eye. My daughter, Cinderella, said to the waiter: "Get me some tzitshit, please." The waiter thought she was badmouthing him and said: "What a rude little girl!". This ignomy was too much for Cindy. She was very upset and got up to strike the man in abject fury with a pepper mill, but fell off her stool and bumped her face. This is all the fault of tzatziki. It's time for cucumber dip!"
Although Manchester City Council has relented from releasing an official statement, we can attest from our source (a drunken tramp who hangs about the city centre) the name change will come into effect from August 2017. Cucumber dip will spread to badly affected areas from July 2017, however. Suburbs such as Moss Side, where locals who merely think about the wording of tzatziki can suffer instantaneous heart failure, will be targeted by the rollout first.
Affluent areas will be introduced to cucumber dip last of all due to the likelihood scenes of carnage will occur. We spoke to working class shelf stacker Fred Smith in Manchester city centre. He said: “Them posh ****ers can’t have it thems way all duh time. We need diss to ‘elp duh community. Like proper snowflakes they’ll be ****in’ riotin’ dough. Goddamn libtards!”.
It is believed Greater Manchester Police has already prepped 30 water cannons; it is expected potentially thousands of middle class hoodlums will tear onto the streets to smash the place up once tzatziki begins disappearing from shelves. We spoke to digital marketing agency owner Julian Rupertson, who earns £100,000 p/a, about the impending change. He said: “If this move goes ahead, I am going to smash s*** up!”. More news to follow.