Toast is as important as the next man, but kettles tend to get overlooked as all they do is boil liquid. It’s not quite as flashy or impressive as bread disappearing into a metal box and reappearing as a different species of flour. It’s like magic, it is magic, it’s a king of magic, and it’s as impressive today as when you first saw it happen back in the summer of ’69.

Kettles deserves some love as well, of course, which is why we’ve decided to weld (quite literally) the kettle and the toaster together for our latest convenient invention. This is the device which will shred hours off your week as you, simultaneously, toast and boil like one crazed multitasking SOB. Hell yeah! Now send us $400 for a prototype model!

The Tettle

“Whoa, Professional Moron, you laid on the demand for cash a tad too early there!” – you’re right. We apologise. We’re just so stoked about the tettle! We know this is the one which could transform the world! It’s like the atom bomb, but without the widespread death and destruction – indeed, there’s none of that. The tettle exists merely to toast and boil – kind of like a tea addict who likes sunbeds, then.

The device is simply a merger of a toaster and a kettle. There’s nothing fancy at play here, it does exactly what it says it does here. Using a powerful welder, we’ve strapped a toaster to the side of the kettle and painted it pink (there’s a blue one for any men out there interested in the device, but eager to hide their latent homosexuality). Voila! From there, all you need to do is add water and bread as you see fit.

A few issues: we’ve noticed the tettle leans at a wonky angle as the kettle is generally heavier than the toaster, so the toaster rests to one side. This means, if you’re toasting, the toast tends to end up toasted too much on the inclining side, whereas the incline-free side is left with only moderate immolation. This issue can be overcome if you’re not a fussy bastard who throws tantrums at first world problems.

The second issue is a tad more difficult. As the toast toasts and kettle boils, the tettle becomes something of a deathtrap. Belching vast amounts of smoke and steam into the atmosphere, it can be difficult to tell what’s going on as the boiling and wonky angle sets the thing off wobbling like crazy. This has led to some serious third degree burns amongst the Professional Moron office, several bits of toast landing arse first on the floor, and part of our office catching fire. Rest assured, on the odd occasion you get it right, this device is mint!

Boiled Toast

The amazing news is the kettle lid can also be opened up and the bread added in from there. This allows you to create what we have called “boiled toast”. It’s a fine dish which goes well with other boiled foodstuffs, such as cabbages, cornflakes, marmalade, and tobacco. You can even tip a load of baked beans in there with the bread so you end up with boiled baked beans on toast, which is one sodden mass of putrification (i.e. enjoyment).

Don’t overdo the last recipe, however, as the tettle can overheat and explode – we’ve found it to be one capricious contraption with a mind of its own. We mean, we’d only made a dozen boiled baked beans on toast in a row and then the thing starts fizzing and popping and malfunctions with a whimper. If you’re going to go out in style, at least blow up and cause permanent damage to the property! We can assure customers this will be fixed by the time the second wave of tettle units hit the shelves this Christmas.