Friend zoning is modern speak for what occurs when a person wishing to date another person is placed within a forcefield of friendship. This, consequently, blocks any potential for mating (unless there is a future drunken mishap, or something), which leads the spurned individual to lament they have been “friend zoned”. It’s just a way to try and win some sympathy, really, and lots of folks head to Facebook to win support off their stupid friends. Anyway, as you’d expect, we’re goddamn experts on the matter and are here to save the day!

The Friend Zone

Dear Professional Moron. My name is John and I have a modern conundrum. I've done everything for women, but always end up friend zoned. What gives? I buy them flowers, I tell them they look acceptable, I don't steal their stuff, I warn them when I'm going to stalk them on social media, I only look up where they live on Google Maps (and don't visit it or anything), I'll only hunt down their exes for questions if I know who they are, I don't open doors for them on a date, I try to spend at least 50% of the time making eye contact rather than staring at their chest, I laugh uproarisly at their jokes (you know, proper "HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" stuff - what's wrong with enthusiasm?), and I feign interest when they prattle on and on and on and on about their boring lives. Despite this, I've been dubbed Friend Zone John among my mates. They all think it's hilarious. The women all say I'm "nice" but I get friend zoned. I'm at a loss! What in the name of actual f*** does a man do these days to bag a babe? Cheers, John

Hi, John. It certainly seems like you’re doing everything right in your pursuit of women, so we can only assume the problem is with the entire female gender as opposed to yourself, as even we would struggle to resist those luscious charms you’re laying on there. The news is in and it’s good – thanks to our research, there is a solution to your dilemma which you should follow to the letter.

Inspirational Independence Day

One must remember the friend zone is, literally, a forcefield which permeates the local environment around the woman, thusly ensuring your emotions such as love, affection, lust, and generosity are utterly lost on her mind. She is, for all intents and purposes, lost behind a blockheaded barrier. You must learn to circumvent this barrier and the way to do so comes from an unexpected source.

Independence Day was a hugely popular film from the year of 1996. In it, Jeff Goldblum is able to halt an unprecedented alien invasion by bringing down the alien’s high tech forcefield. He does this by giving the mothership a virus, which has a knock-on effect for all subsequent alien spacecraft. In short, the forcefield is destroyed.

To ensure you demolish the friend zone barrier, you must find the mothership! This is the woman’s mother. If you locate her, spend some time hanging around her whilst coughing and sneezing. Try to shake her hand for some inane reason after visiting the toilet and not washing your hands – whatever you need to do to pass on the virus. The result? With the mothership infected, subsequent offspring will lose their friend zone barrier. It’s time to strike with your best chat up lines and bag that babe!

It’s Like WiFi

An amazing analogy for the friend zone is as follows – it’s like WiFi, except you don’t have to pay a monthly bill. Liki WiFi, the friend zone can be capricious and wavering in signal strength – in other words, always be sure your love interest has definitely friend zoned you, as you might have read the signal incorrectly. To overcome this hurdle, simply bombard your interest with messages all day, every day, to comprehend where you’re at.

As with many unhappy broadband customers, you may eventually go tired of your inadequate signal strength and apply the friend zone. Coincidentally, to avoid being given a virus which unfriend zones friends you had already zoned, ensure you eat plenty of fruit and vegetables in order to fend off common illnesses such as scurvy, gout, and antidisestablishmentarianism. With lots of vitamin C in your gut, wayward friends will stay zoned and not even Jeff Goldblum will be able to rectify that.