After our FAQs on flirting last week, we feel it’s important to dedicate some time to one of the consequences of it: marriage. Previously, we’ve told you How to Get Married. Now, we’re telling you what it entails. Thusly, you can then understand if you want to get married, divorced, or just go and live in a cave somewhere.
This week, our FAQs guest is Dave Smith (23). He’s a shelf stacker from Bolton, Greater Manchester, who met his wife – Deirdre – in a fast food chain.
Hello, I’m Dave.
Will you marry me?
What? No, it doesn’t work like that. We only just met.
Why, what’s wrong with me?
Well, you’re dribbling, clearly haven’t washed in weeks, and you’re wearing hot pants.
What’s wrong with a man wearing hot pants?
We’re sorry, but, why are you here? We’re holding an open FAQs session to answer common questions about marriage.
Yeah, I responded to your ad. I’m here to get married to a [pulls the ad from hot pants, unfurls it, and reads aloud] … “Mr. Wapojeff”.
It’s Wapojif. Nowhere on the ad does it say that.
Yeah it does, right here [points a grubby finger at the ad]: “Come to the Professional Moron office to get married to Mr. Wapojohn”…
Erm… “Mr. Wapojif. He is happy to marry males, females, buildings (except restaurants), and toilets. Apply today!”
Has that ****ing office apprentice pulled this crap?! When he’s back from hospital on Monday, have him thrashed mercilessly with a flamethrower. And, well, you’re not here to marry anyone! Just ask us questions about marriage! Okay?!
I think I’m gonna go…
YOU SIT THE HELL DOWN AND ASK US ABOUT THE WONDERS OF HOLY COMMUNION!
Erm… uh… okay. How do you tell if you wanna marry someone?
Did you read our preparatory material on the art of flirting?
Erm… yes. Yes, I totally did, mate. Honest to God.
Of course you did… hang on, you’ve got a wedding ring on your finger!
Yeah, I’m already married, mate.
Why did you come here to get married again!?
I reckoned that if I got married a second time, then I’d have a backup in case the first one ended in divorce. You know… like a side hustle. but in marriage.
Cripes! Just… just ask us questions about marriage, please. Or, better yet, you tell us how you met the darling of your dreams.
Oh, okay, that sounds like a good idea. Well, we was…
Eh? We was at a McDonald’s and I see we got the same thing from the menu. Big Mac and large fries with coke. So I says to her, “Hey babe, we got the same thing! A Big Mac, large fries, and a coke. That’s amazing.” And she went, “Oh my God! We do! A Big Mac, large fries, and a coke… that’s a sign from God!” three weeks later we was married.
You got married due to a banal coincidence in a fast food chain renowned for its simplistic menu?
When you get a sign, mate, you know you’ve met your soulmate. You’ll see.
But if she’d ordered medium fries, what then?
Okay. So, what does marriage mean to you?
I go home and the wife is there. I goes, “Hi, babe!” And she gives me a withering look and I curse the day I were born.
But don’t you think marriage is a joyous thing?
Well when we go back to McDonald’s and have another Big Mac, large fries, and a coke it really rekindles our love for each other. I look across at her greasy face with a dollop of ketchup dribbling down her chin as she wheezes her way through another burger and I says, “Babe… it’s good to ketchup.”
Uh huh. Do you think most marriages can function outside of a McDonald’s?
Maybe. But in my marriage fast food is important.
Is cholesterol important to you?
Basketball? Not really, no, if I move around too much it makes my chest hurt.
Okay… are you open to gay marriage?
No, I’m not gay, So I’d have to turn down any offers.
Do you think marriage is more important to men or women?
I guess women. The wife says to me on the day we got married, “Look, you fat sack of shit, I’m not sure if this is gonna work out, but all my family is out there and so we better have a go at it.” Her commitment made me weep.
How much did your wedding cost?
I used me life savings of £15,000. The Wife’s mother chipped in £20,000 from her pension. But the wife spent £32,000 of that on her wedding dress. so we just rented out this pub and spent everything else on burgers and cheap lager.
Do you have any funny wedding day stories?
Yeah, I got drunk and puked on her wedding dress! Still makes me laugh.
Do you think matrimony is sustainable in a contemporary society dominated by a developing need to align oneself with a less sedulous economic outlook?
Never mind. Do you have children?
Not yet, mate, I’m usually too full from McDonald’s to energise meself towards that sort of thing [bellows with laughter that segues into a thunderous coughing fit].
Do you think marriage is defined by children?
Well I mean marriage is defined by marriage, mate. Think logically, yeah?
Indeed. If you don’t get married what do you think happens?
you rot in Hell.
Okay. What role do children play in the marital unification process?
Well, the bit where they’re nagging little brats who drain all of me finances [enters another wild laughing fit that results in a rasping breakdown].
But do you think children provide marriage with an additional foundation that offers a bedrock through which divorce can never take place?
How the fuck should I know?
Okay… do you like being married?
Why did you get married?
It’s what everyone else does, innit?
What advice would you give to couples on the verge of wedlock?
Okay. Have you got anything else to add before we kick you out of here?
Er… yeah! But I’ve forgotten what it were.
Right… get out of here now, you cretin, or we will shoot you dead.
What? You serious? What with?
Jesus… that’s a bazooka!
Yes. Please leave immediately.