Butter is a type of slimy product humans can spread on bread, toast, soup… but not age. Because the latter is a process that involves going bald, gaining weight, and having drunken birthday celebrations. None of which you can slather in butter.

Yet the saying “age is butter number” remains prevalent. Why is this so? And what do you say instead if you’re a vegan? Well, let’s delve on in and take a look at the weird world of butter numbers.

Age is butter number

You’ve heard about gross numbers, prime ones, the more rational sorts, whole ones, and there are real numbers, too. But butter ones are probably the most tasty.

But how does butter correlate to age?

Intrigued about this saying, we contacted the Department of Physics at the University of Oxford for physical insights. It refused to provide us with a quote. The bloke told us, “Don’t be stupid.” What the hell was his problem?

Anyway, then we decided to melt 10 packets of butter into a pan. We threw a calculator into the bubbling mix in the hope this would proffer some form of transmundane reaction. Nothing… except the calculator broke.

Next we put the melted butter into a bucket and went forth into the street to find an old person. One OAP of about 85 was sitting on a bench, so we got the butter and tipped the contents over him.

We later found out, under British law, we should have at least asked him if he was okay with such an activity. Because the man became very angry and called the police.

Once the local authorities arrived, we figured it was a great opportunity to pose them the question of the saying. The police officer who arrested Mr. Wapojif responded with, “Don’t be stupid!” What is it with these people?!

Numb

Once released on bail, we decided to take matters literally. What do numbers do? Numb your brain because they’re so boring.

So we realised we needed to make the rest of our body numb.

With that in mind, Mr. Wapojif (that’s our esteemed editor, as a reminder) lay on the floor with his arm at a funny angle. Once it turned purple and he began vomiting due to light-headedness, he then climbed – totally naked, of course – into a bathtub of melted butter.

We then asked him how old he is. To our request, he threw up again and complained about the stars dancing before his “very eyes”. We told him there were no stars, to which he responded with incredible rage.

Scrambling from the bathtub roaring obscenities, he scolded us for our lack of knowledge about “space, time, and continuums!”

He then booked the Professional Moron staff – except himself – into a night course in Manchester about elementary astrology.

The cost? £5,000 for the four of us. So, age is butter number. But space lessons involve no butter, but higher numbers. Fact.