Having pets is important when you’re children are growing up. It teaches them responsibilities and life lessons about cute things also needing to use the toilet.

But sometimes a human male can make a mess of it by buying inappropriate creatures. Such as today’s oafish fool!

Bernard the Crocodile

Dear Professional Moron. My husband, Bozzer (real name Barry), is a nice man. He likes to buy our son, Bozzer Jnr., gifts and lavishes him with things such as games consoles, football match tickets, and beer (I've expressly stated Bozzer Jnr., at 10, is too young for that, though). 

Bozzer Jnr. recently said he wants a pet, so I suggested a kitten or puppy. Bozzer said, "Leave it to me, babe!"

The next month I got home from work, having collected Bozzer Jnr. from school, and Bozzer gave me a knowing wink. He led us out back and there was a huge crocodile assaulting my rotary clothes dryer!

I screamed in terror, but Bozzer Jnr. yelled "Cool!" and ran at the beast with his arms outstretched for a hug. The crocodile immediately ambled at him with its jaws snapping furiously. 

Sprinting over I was able to grab Bozzer Jnr. and perform a dramatic jump onto the garden trampoline, flying over the fence into my neighbour's garden. It was the most dramatic moment of my life!

Later, while the crocodile ambled about in our garden, I confronted my husband about it. "Look, babe, we'll chuck it a steak twice a day. Problem solved!" He refuses to tell me where he got it from. 

My son has called the crocodile Bernard. We spent all last month trying to tame it. Here are the problems:

- It doesn't play fetch. 
- It doesn't like being petted.
- It demolished the paddling pool we bought it. 
- If you approach Bernard, it'll try to attack/eat you. 
- We did have one "successful" attempt to take Bernard for a walk with a long chain around his neck, but he also demolished our neighbour's car.
- All of our neighbours are now terrified of coming round to visit. 
- The police were informed and are threatening us with legal action. 

I'm at my wits end! Suggestions, please! Bozzer says, "Look, love, it'll be fine stop being such a spoilsport!" Yours with utmost sincerity, Akello

Hello, Akello. That’s an exotic name, which part of England are you from? Sounds like it hails from the rolling moors of Yorkshire.

Regarding Bernard, we’re pretty sure that’s not a safe pet to buy a child of 10.

But then there aren’t any strict laws regarding crocodile/child ownership. However, it’s one of those decisions where common sense should prevail.

Normally you should get a kid like that a dog, cat, hamster, or a silverback gorilla. A crocodile is pushing the limits.

Sadly, Bozzer will have to go to jail for a rather long time for his dangerous behaviour. So you’ll need a new man about the house.

Crocodile Shoes

With your husband in jail, you’ll have to embrace the croc’s way of life. Listen to Jimmy Nail’s 1994 hit single repeatedly—also, watch Crocodile Dundee at least once.

Bernard is now, as are all men, the chief breadwinner for your family. Oh, yes, you’ll have to domesticate him and then he’ll need to go out there and get a job.

As a massive scaly reptile with a foul temper, we recommend he go into business. He’ll be a company director or CEO in no time, given the business world’s propensity for horrendous personality disorders leading to ill-conceived career progress.

Once you’re rolling in it, you may find you don’t even want Bozzer to return to your family.

Divorce him whilst he’s in jail and settle down to a nice, happy, and snappy life with your large semiaquatic reptile husband/pet high earner. All the best!