Sleeping is a big part of your day, but it requires a certain skill set to achieve. Not any old halfwit can fall to sleep. You need to be damn good at it.

This is why, here at Professional Moron, we’re using our combined 150+ years’ sleeping experience to provide the definite guide to catching 40 winks.

And some random bloke we dragged off the streets of Manchester asked us this lot.

Answers to Your Sleep Questions

Okay then, are we ready to rock on this one? I’d say so, let’s get down to the Q&As to see what we got.

What is sleep?

Sleeping is an activity involving altered consciousness and a lack of sensory activity—like being really drunk, but without the vomit.

How do you fall asleep?

The best way to achieve “sleeping” is to get into an object (bed) at a horizontal angle and close your eyes.

It’s important to have a quiet sleeping area, otherwise you’ll stay awake for much time. This is insomnia, which causes the following:

• Confusion.
• Anger.
• Irritability.
• Tiredness.
• Sleepiness.
• A desire for caffeine.
• Football hooliganism.

With a quiet bedroom environment, shuteye is inevitable and a good night’s rest is a certainty.

Is a good night’s rest really a certainty?

No, not at all. Unless you’re lucky and live in a detached house, most folks under 40 live in blocks of flats and have to endure the onslaught of neighbourly noise.

Take Mr. Wapojif’s neighbour on his left. Just this weekend, our esteemed editor was awoken at 6am by the sound of the man vomiting copiously into the toilet.

His bathroom is the wall next to Mr. Wapojif’s bed, the latter must listen to the man using the toilet each morning. There was also that time the neighbour fell out of the shower and screamed in agony.

And also how the neighbour’s final bathroom routine coincides with Mr. Wapojif’s 11pm going to sleep slot, which for the former involves an inexplicable number of times slamming the toilet seat up and down.

Just as we were formatting this, yet again we hear him slamming it down at 18:37 here in Trafford. What is this, man bloke?

Every single time he uses the toilet, he must slam the seat back down again. Why?!

What can you learn from that man?

That vomit is not a good inducer of bedtime.

What’s the best thing to sleep on?

A bed is the best option. Replete with a mattress, duvet, pillows, and occasionally a hot water bottle.

However, there’s nothing stopping you from being more innovative with your sleeping arrangement. For example, instead of a bed you may want to try:

• A hammock (there’s also our invention—the spammock).
• A waterbed.
• Your bathtub (well, Will Smith did it in I Am Legend).
• A hammock that’s laid out on a concrete floor.
• Concrete floor.
• A bench in a park somewhere.
• The middle of a busy city intersection.

Let’s say, for an example, you’ve decided to plump for a tradition double size bed.

How do you get into bed?

There are many approaches you can use. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, sometimes uses a catapult to slingshot himself onto the thing.

Other times he takes a triple jump approach, leaving the doors in his living room to the bedroom open before hop, skipping, and jumping into bed. Only thrice has he shattered an ankle.

The most popular technique is to, sort of, ambulate onto the mattress. Lower your body slowly like a precious snowflake, before wrapping the duvet around you and heading off into the land of nod.

Well, that’s one possible position of very many.

Wait, what position should my body be in bed?

The tried and tested technique is to do a handstand. Eventually all the blood will pool into the base of your skull, rendering you unconscious.

Your body will then collapse in a heap (usually back down onto the bed, other times smashing awkwardly into the floor). Congratulations, you are now sleeping!

That doesn’t sound legit.

Do you want to fight about it?

No.

Good. Ask us more questions about sleep.

Okay… erm, why do I always wake up at 4am bursting for the toilet?

There’s nothing you can do about that. Simply wet the bed and return to sleep.

Yeah, but my wife hates it when I do that. Surely there’s a better way?

Well, maybe you could roll over to the side and, like, go onto the floor after lifting the duvet up a bit.

Otherwise you might just have to get up and go to the toilet.

When I do that I then struggle to get to sleep again. Suggestions?

Yes, wet the bed instead.

But I’m fearful of divorce. I don’t want my life story to read, “Divorced due to bed wetting.”

Right, so get out of bed and go to the toilet.

Yeah, but then I’m all sleepy… I might just alternate nights as a compromise. One night of bed wetting, another night of going to the bathroom.

Genius.

Thanks. Okay, so how do I get up in the mornings? I find it really difficult.

Get your wife to jam you with a cattle prod.

I’ll make a note of that. Okay… wife… jam… cattle prod.

Not a jam cattle prod, that won’t wake you up unless you have a real affinity for jam. Just your normal cattle prod.

Okay… wife… cattle prod… no jam.

Another option is to sleep on solid concrete outdoors.

But wouldn’t sleeping in that fashion be horribly uncomfortable?

Indeed. But when you get up it’ll be like a new lease of life. Better yet, you won’t need to wash any bedding anymore.

How regularly should I wash my bedding?

Once every six months is adequate.

My wife says it should be once a week.

Well, does she have a PhD in bedding hygiene?

No. Do you?

Yes.

Really? I find that a dubious claim! Show me the educational certificate.

No.

Why not?

Shut up and ask us something else.

Okay, are there any famous sleeping songs?

Yeah, that Show Me The Way To Go Home one. It’s in that film Jaws. We recommend you listen to this to assist with slumber.

How will a film about a terrifying, man-eating shark help me get to sleep?

Erm… next question.

Does counting sheep help?

Maintaining sheep in your bedroom is an unwise move regarding sleep facilitation.

Not even one?

Well, no, simply as that’d be far too easy. You can count to one, right? Does that make you sleepy?

Not usually.

Right. Look, if all else fails we suggest you just get your wife to violently punch you in the face. That’s your instant ticket to sleep.

And then use the jam cattle prod to wake me up?

Yes, then use the… no! No jam is involved. Do you understand?

No.

This FAQS is over.