When you’ve had enough of the foul stench of man blokes, you can either purchase a cat or attempt to talk to non man blokes.
Oh, and today concludes our week of romance. It’s an annual thing we do. But if you’ve not found love from any of our dating columns this week then fret yee not—there’s always cake.
Women Seeking Women
TweeTammy: At 5’2″ I’m a petite and sickly sweet gal with a heart of gold. I love nothing more than skipping around gaily embracing the joys of life. I’m looking for much the same in my partner. If you can’t smile, then you’re in denial! I start the day with an enforced hour-long laughing fit and expect you to join in. I also laugh myself to sleep, choking on hearty guffaws as I revel in the joys of pre-sleep. Friends intermittently describe me as a “pain in the arse” or an “optimistic sort, probably due to longstanding issues with mania.” Get in touch!
HaughtyHarriet: I’m successful, wealthy, and much more intelligent than you. I’m also an atrocious snob. I love nothing more than sneering down at the inferior people. Those vile scum! Seeking a partner whom I can boss about and treat like dirt, enabling me to exert my misguided sense of superiority. No poor people, please. You’re too stupid and/or lazy. And no communists/socialists. You people are mentally ill.
InsaneIngrid: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!! I’m Ingrid. That’s INGRID! AahhahahaaHAHA! So I’m pretty nuts! It’s common to see me walking down a road naked! I have MANY tattoos to express my individuality! I don’t wear makeup because that’s for social ingrates! GOD gave us SKIN and that’s MY makeup! I also only eat whole milk from a jug and find that replenishes my very being! Vitamin C deficiency?! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! SOUND GOOD!? DATE ME! DATE ME! DATE! ME!!!! NOW! DO IT! GO ON! NOW! COME ON! I’M WAITING!! HURRY IT THE HELL UP!!
DickheadDeirdre: Me again. Dickhead Deirdre here. Still a dickhead. Trying out my luck with fellow women seeing as men all find me totally repulsive due to my obnoxious personality traits (i.e. being a dickhead). I’m technically not gay but, you know, up for anything in order to fulfill what appears to be my lifelong goal—being an insufferable dickhead.
MaudlinMaude: I am Maude. I get a bit… down about things. For example, I won the lottery last week on my first ever attempt. £110 million. That made me sad. It could have been £111 million. Feels a bit depressing to miss out on that extra million. So I told the National Lottery to stuff the £110 million up their arse. I am not getting screwed over by the system like that. And I do not get screwed over when dating. Got a problem with that? Well, good, so when you marry me just expect me to spend 57% of my time staring out of a window sighing and cursing the day I met you.
RappingRey: “The name is Rey and I like eating hay, but I never say neigh, ‘cos I’ll turn really grey. If you buy me a bouquet (of flowers), we can move to Bombay (Mumbai), and build stuff with clay, while watching Peter Kay.” Did you like my rap? I call that Uh Huh, Yeah, Mofo. My friend Cindy says I’m very talented. I’m very talented. I enter rapping competitions and rap all the time. I need a fellow rapper. Or a human beatbox. Let’s form a band and generate a nervous verbal tick where we go “Uh huh, yeah” every 30 seconds.
SternSandy: I’m a career woman, which means I’m utterly humourless and go around with an expression like a slapped arse 24/7. I treat my dating like I treat my work—with a rigid and joyless structure that saps the life out of you in the name of furthering my opportunities in life. I’m most likely to say, “I deserve that promotion!” Least likely to say, “Yes, I really should be less of a bitch.” I know what I want, and want knows what I want, too. And I want a date with someone I can boss around.
MilitaryMary: Hi. I’m Mary and I serve in the military. I’ve gunned down, like, 20 people in my time. Just gunned them down for the heck of it, you know? Ratta tatta tatta tat! lol. So yeah, I’m a private in the army and in my spare time I play Call of Duty games. I like blood and guts. I expect my babe to like blood and guts. Our wedding will be about blood and guts. lol.
Stephen: Professional Moron continues to contact me to contribute to online dating columns for which my gender does not qualify. This is most perplexing! Although I fully support the lesbian community and/or LGTB rights, I am not a woman. Nor am I a lesbian. I demand that Professional Moron cease distributing my contact details to men, women, and everything in between! I am not even single! I am happily married and have two kids! Stop this campaign of barbary, Professional Moron!
Editor's note: Whilst it's true we've been in contact with Stephen about contributing to our online dating platform, we deny everything else he indicates. Professional Moron is an equal opportunities dating site and we merely wish for Stephen to try out all of his available options. Is he really happy as a happily married man? A stint as a woman may make him realise what he's missing out on in life.