Dating 2020: Men Seeking Men Special!

Love hearts in a crossword puzzle
Proper belting, geezer.

On we trek with our dating 2020 dating special, with a hearty selection of man blokes on the lookout for that very special man bloke for themselves. Nice!

Geezers Seeking Geezers

TriangleShapedMan: I’m a bodybuilder who spends 150 hours a week in the gym. My upper body is now so buff I resemble an upended triangle, my shoulders and arms jutting out dramatically while my puny lower body propels me along. This means I struggle to get through most doorways, so if you want to have a date it’ll need to be outside. In a pretty park, for example, with bees, butterflies, and random heavy objects for me to lift and show off my extreme masculinity.

IAmElvisPresley: In my previous life I was Elvis. In my new one, I wanted a more low-key life so I’m a plumber in Bolton of Greater Manchester. I can’t say I miss the rock and roll lifestyle. There’s a certain nobility in jamming my arm around a toilet U-bend to unclog some bloke’s pie-induced monstrosity. All Shook Up? Damn right after taking on another one of those things! So if you’re as humble as I am, let’s go and get a burger.

SkaterMan: I’m a 72-year-old man whom loves nothing more than going to skating parks in urban environments and getting some air with a rad caballerial carve. I’m a pivot bushing master. And when I’m not grinding along pavements in my neighbourhood, I’m in hospital having my jaw stitched back together. Some say I should grow old gracefully. I say I want nothing more than to land a half-pipe without shattering my pelvis. Looking to meet a fellow skater man for discussions about rad things such as tea, biscuits, the Oxford comma, and grip taking a fakie down a vert ramp whilst inhaling Sanatogen.

DeadFitDerek: Heya I’m well fit. Serious chiselled jawline here, I use it to spread margarine onto my toast it’s that belting. My gym time consists of doing as many crunches as humanly possible. It’s a gruelling regime that ensures my backside is as unmissable as the White Cliffs of Dover! To keep my jawline chiselled I use a hammer and chisel to chisel away at it and ensure it’s as square-shaped as they come. But my main activity is to keep on with the relentless squats. I do them constantly. When eating my breakfast, when I’m on the toilet, at work, during meetings, when out on dates, when I’m meeting your parents for the first time, during marriage, and especially when I’m in the disco baby yeah! So, yeah, ideally I want someone pale and puny so I can just vastly superior to them at all times.

YouTubeStarStu: Hi I’m YouTuber Stu. I have 10 million followers of my amazing content. I’m a reactionist. I watch other people’s content, film myself reacting to it, and that’s what my channel is. Yes, that’s a thing. I earn my living off of it. But because I’m indoors 24/7 reacting to stuff, I don’t really get to meet many people. I’m also clearly suffering from vitamin D deficiency. I dribble noticeably and always have a cold. When I sneeze I don’t cover my mouth so expect to be covered in snot and mucus all the time. Look, I’m a world-famous online star raking it in. You can live with a few minor foibles. Also, I’m not really sure if I’m gay. I just thought I’d have a phase to try it out.

Olezka: Hallo. I are Olezka. I are man of many excellences. You date me, fellow man, and you enjoy evening of most excellences discussions. I are much intelligence. I are of the wit and of much humorous and ho ho ho laughing like with snot coming from hairy nostrils. One date with me and you have big grin on faeces! Contact. Marriage awaits!

DickheadDeirdre: Heya. Me again. I’m not a man but I thought I’d give this a shot in case any blokes here just really like hanging out with anyone who’s a dickhead. Which I most certainly am. I once deliberately went around a shopping centre barging into people. I’m that bad. But if you think you’re bad enough for me… well, you’re not. I’m a dickhead. I’ll ruin your life! So, hit me up.

Stephen: I have filed charges against Professional Moron for continuing to use my name and likeness on its dating columns. I demand justice for having my name besmirched by a farcical “website” that cannot even find enough contributors, so has to steal my persona to use here. I am not, repeat, not available for dating! I am happily married. If you take interest in my profile, do not get in contact with Professional Moron. I do not want to hear from you!

Editor's note: Stephen is merely shy and very much indeed does want to hear from all of you—man, woman, or otherwise. So, please, get in touch to help this poor "happily" married man find his one true love.

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