Valentine’s Day is coming up—and we’re not going to stop doing misguided romance pieces until it’s been and gone.

Today, we’re imagining a world of films where a husband and wife make the experience a tad more sedate for the audience.

Hubby & Wifey Park

A billionaire sets up a park full of husbands and wives walking around in the wild. Paying customers attend the park to see them frolicking across fields, enjoying picnics, and arguing. The park is a disastrous failure.

Hubby & Wifey: A Space Odyssey

Kubrick film about a husband and wife in deep space bickering. Hal the computer attempts to intervene, but gets turned off.

The Good, The Bad and the Hubby & Wifey

Clint Eastwood stars in this cowboy film about how the wild, wild west also had plenty of normal couples who enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet.

Hubby & Wifey Club

A film about marriage in crisis, where bored couples meet in pleasant middle-class living rooms to beat the living crap out of each other. Stars Brad Pitt and Damon Hill.

Raging Hubby & Wifey

Robert De Niro stars in this Martin Scorsese epic. It’s about a particularly angry married couple who take to the boxing ring to batter their frustrations out of each other.

The Sound of Hubby & Wifey

Drama about a man living next door to a very loud husband and wife, leading to tensions and, inevitability, a nuclear explosion.

12 Angry Hubby & Wifeys

A dozen husband and wife combos meet up periodically to fume at each other (about each other). Contains “But he’s just so annoying!” 350 times.

Close Encounters of the Hubby & Wifey Kind

 Richard Dreyfuss stars as an alien in this sci-fi classic, where he encounters many married people on his arrival on Earth. In a panic, he flees back to Jupiter. Good! Get back where you came from!

The Hubby & Wifey on the River Kwai

 Married life is blissful on the River Kwai. Until it blows up thanks to Alec Guiness (the river, not the marriage – they lived happily every after, although with severe PTSD after seeing a river blown to smithereens).

All Quiet on the Hubby & Wifey Front

After a blazing row, this film spends 90 minutes in a house as a couple quietly fumes in separate rooms. Stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as the husband and wife.

Dawn of the Planet of the Hubby & Wifeys

An entire planet is inhabited by married folks who have pet names for each other. NASA has pledged never to stray within a million miles of the place.

A Fistful of Hubby & Wifeys

And finally…

Crouching Tiger, Hubby & Wifey