Okay, so Valentine’s Day ideas were last week. This week we’re in a poetic mood (as always).
We also had the Romance Bazooka. That was an explosive hit! Now you’ll just have to settle for words. Lovely words. Lovely, lovely words of love.
Falling in Love
If you are in love.
Try not to look smug.
Or you may receive a violent shove.
Our families and friends are all here.
Most of them are already drunk on beer.
At least my hubby to be will look hot… ew, gross, he’s got a spot on his nose!
Wedding Day Guests
Jesus Christ, the bride looks really fat!
And the groom has a massive spot on his honker.
I can’t believe she’s getting married to that plonker!
I, Doreen, take thee, Derek, to be my wedded husband.
To have and to hold, until he’s really fat and old…
Wait, what? You mean he’s not always going to look as hot as this right now (minus the spot on his nose)? This is outrageous!
Yes, I agree to take her as my bitch wife.
So long as she never lunges at me with a knife.
Which would cause considerable strife (and blood loss).
Here comes the best man with the wedding ring.
Ruined slightly by his stupid shiny earring.
I warned him not to wear any bling!
The Kiss—Husband’s POV
Oh God, the kissing bit.
I really feel uncomfortable groping my wife in front of everyone.
*Sigh* Better get it over with—mouth open, stick out tongue, and HERE WE GOOOOO! *screams from the wedding guests*
The Kiss—Wife’s POV
Now I get to show everyone I’m a great kisser.
Except when I’ve been down the pisser.
Contact! And… gross! That SOB didn’t shave!!! I’ll be sure to burn down his man cave.
The Kiss—Guests’ POV
Let’s hope that when they kiss.
He doesn’t take a leisurely piss.
Or she’ll lamp him with her fist.
The Kiss—Vicar’s POV
When I say, “You may now kiss the bride.”
I feel really sinister inside.
Until I check out that guy’s backside… phwoar!
Mispronunciation of the Kiss
Vicar: “You may now kill the bride.”
Groom: “What did he just say? I don’t even have a romance bazooka on me, or anything.”
Wedding guest #7: “Jesus, what’s he going to do? Rip her head off!?”
After Party Drunk Uncle
Why is uncle Bob such a knob?
He’s got the grace of an overcooked corn on the cob.
I’d like to punch him in his stupid fat gob.
Shrieking Kids at the Wedding Party
Jesus Christ, what is it with all these brats?
And the wife wants one of these ASAP?
My mate Dave is right, women are all full of shite.
The Honeymoon in Barbados
We’re renting the £1,000 a night honeymoon suite!
It makes me feel pretty sweet!
And he’s clogged the toilet… he just had to go and spoil it…
After the Honeymoon in Barbados
Looking back at our wedding photos.
That massive, pulsating spot on his nose…
It makes me want to murder him with our garden hose.
Falling Out of Love
Oh my God, that man is a prick.
Why did I marry this stupid hick?
I’m going to whack him over the head with a brick.
After my long and costly divorce.
I’m going to go out and buy myself a horse.
And then watch a bit of Inspector Morse.