25 Brilliant Romantic Valentine’s Day Ideas

Daisies in the shape of a love heart
Also available with a card stating, “I tolerate you, snuggums!”

They say romance is in bed. A husband who’s let himself go and is fat, hairy, and snowing after one beer too many.

We’re here to change that this merry Valentine’s Day! Here are 50 totally amazeballs ways to make sure you enjoy a swoon worthy one.

50 Romantic Ideas

  1. Skipping: Skip gaily about the place—down city roads, across open fields, through drug dens, and over motorway intersections. Skip. Skip until you are happy (or dead from dehydration).
  2. Bricks: Buy a load of bricks and dump them in your living room. As bricks are so not romantic, they will inspired greater romance. Especially if a stray wild rat is contained within the bricks!
  3. A viewing of Titanic (the film): Yes, what could be more romantic than a film about a real event where thousands of people died horribly?
  4. 37 vegan sausages: Consume 37 vegan sausages each. Lounge about with bulging bellies complaining about your stupid decision.
  5. Drunken karaoke: Get wasted, do terrible versions of popular songs, stream it all on YouTube for your family to cringe over.
  6. Invade your nearest rival town: Load up with the romance bazooka and head to your nearest heathen of a rival city. You show them what for!
  7. [Insert another idea about being romantic—perhaps involve marmite]
  8. Marmite: Buy your dearly beloved a jar of England’s finest pungent yeast extract! Slake your desire for overly salty foodstuffs.
  9. Yodeling: Engage in a night long yodeling session with your partner. Do not stop until your neighbour’s threats of calling the police reach fruition.
  10. Intoxicated yodeling: Like #9, but when the police arrive you attack them with verbal insults and fisticuffs.
  11. A romantic dinner (with a seagull stomping): Have your standard, generic, obvious romantic dinner with candles. Just also invite a seagull along as well—and revel in that… thing.
  12. Merde: Plenty of this.
  13. Salaud: And that. Screaming it, actually.
  14. A box of chocolates: Filled with chemical grade bleach, to ensure it’s all free from germs.
  15. A box: Yeah, just a cardboard box. If you’re big on minimalism, this is for you. Just sit and stare at the box. Or both climb into the box and argue about how compact it all is.
  16. Boxing: Get some boxing gloves and beat the crap out of each other!
  17. Poetry: You can pick from one of our pieces:
    1. “Your love is like a weeping sore, in that you are a total bore. Talk again and I will have a snore. Go and find the back door… INTRODUCE yourself to it, idiot!!”
    2. “You are my love, my shove, and my shovel. Without you, I wouldn’t be able to create my delightful patio garden (although sorry, your hair is ruined by mud).”
    3. “Oh, but you are. You are but, you, you are. You’re my your. Your my you’re. I sniff glue and I think of you. Achoo!”
    4. “I know that I love you, because you really, really stink of poo. And that makes me gooey at the knees (probably due to various psychological defects).”
    5. “I bought you these fancy gloves out of love. Okay, ‘bought’ I use loosely… I borrowed them I guess. ‘Stole’ is probably more accurate. Oh look, there’s the bloke I nabbed them from! Haha, yes, the one frothing at the mouth and charging at me with a shotgu…”
  18. Mathematical impossibilities: “When three plus three equals twelve, then it’s time for you to replace our shelves (doting husband).”
  19. Yeah, whatever: Infuriate your human male by responding to his best efforts with, “Yeah, whatever…” Solid gold wedding right? “Yeah, whatever…” A $100 million superyacht? “Yeah, whatever. Could have been $200 million.” A shed? “Yeah, whatever. Could have been a bungalow.” etc.
  20. A hair transplant: Your geezer is going bald? Get him some new hair stuff! Simply shave off some of your head hair and glue it to his balding scalp.
  21. Terrible jokes: “When is a door not a door? When it’s not a door (i.e. a shed).” Bingo.
  22. Margarine: Have a romantic candlelit dinner. With a meal of nothing but mounds of slightly melting margarine.
  23. Divorce: Call it a day whilst you’re ahead, eh? Even if your marriage is perfect, get divorced and marry someone else tonight. Why not?
  24. Double marriage: Or get married again! Yes, marry each other once again just for the heck of it! The perks of double marriage include a second wedding, another round of presents, and uncle Bob will run around with his trousers around his ankles again. That lovable rogue!
  25. Netflix and hills: Get your device, stream Netflix, and aim for the hills. Don’t stop walking until you’re at the top! Nothing beats romance like being exhausted and drenched in sweat in the middle of nowhere. Call 999 (911) and get a helicopter rescue out there to get a lift back home. Happy Valentine’s Day!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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