With autumn on the way, the common cold once again starts to rear its petulant germs. As such, you may find you have many sneezes ahead of you.
So, how do you go about making your sneezing and runny nose situation better? Let’s take you through the basics.
Alleviating the Common Cold
Disclaimer: Our feedback isn’t medically sound and is, in fact, appallingly inaccurate. Do not trust this website.
Dear Dr. Moron! I have important social and professional events upcoming, but have just come down with a cold. I fear this may rumble on for weeks! Case in point! I just sneezed and now my laptop is covered in horrible snot gunk, rendering it unprofessional and grotesque! I can't take this into work with me! How can I get over this quickly? Yours, Colin
Hi, Colin! First, you must determine what type of cold it is. For there are three:
- The common cold: Symptoms include sniffles, sneezing, a blocked nose, lethargy, hallucinations, tripping, and mutters of, “Far out, man!” (this is assuming you drop a tab of LSD at some stage during your illness).
- The uncommon cold: These are things such as scurvy, hair transplants, athlete’s foot, and ear hair. In other words, anything that isn’t a common cold.
- Gangrene: The worst type of cold you can get.
If you still believe you have the common cold, then you may know of a few home remedies that do the rounds. These are:
- Lots of rest.
- Lots of vitamin C.
- Our guide to polite sneeze responses for edification.
These are lies (apart from our guide, which is amazing). An overdose of rest can, in fact, lead to morbid obesity and death. So, you’ll want to refrain from that activity (or lack thereof).
Meanwhile, vitamin C causes scurvy and will also lead to chronic exhaustion. That induces rest and, therefore, will push you further towards morbid obesity and death.
Furthermore, if you already have a rest-heavy lifestyle (due to laziness etc.), then you’re merely exacerbating the entire situation by getting the common cold.
However, in the Professional Moron laboratory we’re busy concocting a cure for the common cold (one that doesn’t involve avoiding rest). Here’s how that’s going.
The Cure for the Common Cold
At present, we have many conical flasks, burettes, pipettes, test tubes, and funnels bubbling away with all sorts of stuff (mainly industrial grade bleach).
So far, we’ve determined that industrial grade bleach isn’t a cure for the common cold. However, we’ve also tried out:
- Bovril and Marmite.
- Herbal infusions (such as mint tea, nettle, mint and Marmite, and cheese).
We’ve added that lot together in a, sort of, knickerbocker glory of medicine. Although, ultimately, we found none of the above had any positive affect on our apprentice (whom we infected with the common cold).
As such, we can only conclude that there isn’t a cure for the common cold. Unless you count not having a common cold as a cure.
So, we suggest you avoid catching a cold. You can also refer to our guide about how to manage sneezing at work. Then you’ll have the cure you so desire, Colin.