
Love, eh? Today’s human male is trying to work out if he’s in it. Or not. Something like that. Thankfully, we’re dating experts! So, we’ve provided the definitive guide.
Working Out If You’re in Love
Dear agony aunt. There's this girl I met at work two weeks ago. She's well fit and I told her a knock, knock joke yesterday and she laughed at it. Reckon I'm in there. How do I know if I've fallen in love with her? I saw an engagement ring yesterday at £2,000 and figured I'd spend my savings on it and then we live happily ever after. What do you reckon? Cheers, Harry
Hello, Harry. There are many ways to tell if you’ve fallen in love with someone. We’ve drawn up a big list for you below.
This is called the Professional Moron List of Love. If you tick off over 15 of the below, then you’re probably in love with someone. 14 or less then it’s probably just lust and/or drunken stupidity:
- You can look at them without wanting to throw up.
- Their foul stench doesn’t bother you.
- You’ve never had to report them to the police.
- They’re not responsible for a world war.
- They’ve never detonated an atom bomb for a laugh.
- You laugh at their jokes—even the bad ones.
- Being in their presence doesn’t fill you with a deep sense of anger and dread.
- You’ve met their parents and, afterward, they didn’t want to kill you.
- You think about them slightly more than the people you hate.
- You can stomach the idea of still having to hang around with them 90 years from now.
- The wallpaper on your smartphone is of the individual.
- You’ve decided you want five kids with them and have chosen the names:
- Gerald
- Doreen
- Engelbert
- Uxorious
- Wigbert
- You’re lavishing gifts on them, even though it’s getting a bit ridiculous and he/she wasn’t happy when you got him/her a puppy. So you got him/her a kitten as well.
- They spout crazed dribble and bigoted invective, but you just nod, smile, and agree with everything he/she says.
- When out and about, you keep throwing your coat over puddles in an act of chivalry.
- You open the door for the individual and curtsy as they walk by.
- You demand to pay the entire bill in restaurants, even though you can’t afford to.
- They laughed once and snot plopped out of their nostril, but you found it more endearing than revolting.
- You boast about them to your friends as “cool”, rather than bigging up their looks as an ego exercise.
- When you invited them back to your flat, they didn’t mind you’d clogged the toilet earlier that day.
- When you invited them back to your flat, they didn’t mind your joke about hiding the dead bodies.
- You’ve started adding “babe” at the end of text messages you send to them.
- You’ve realised sending dick pics is a stupid thing to do if you want to impress this person, so have vowed to stop that bizarre habit.
- You’ve deleted your Tinder account and have updated your Facebook status to “Engaged”, before anyone has agreed to anything.
- You keep having inexplicable, irrational giggling fits.
Okay, so that’s a certified list. We ran it by each other in the agony aunt office and all agreed it can’t be improved upon in any way, shape, or form.
So, refer to that list. See what your score is. If it’s a decent score then, yeah, you go ahead and blow £2,000 on an engagement ring for some woman you just met. That’s not at all dumb.
This is endearing and a little disturbing. He can always sell the ring on eBay.
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Great idea… she can sell the ring! Ohhhh, I misread. HE can sell the ring.
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Which ring? I’m getting confused and lost.
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The ring of fire, you idiot! The engagement ring… fool!
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This wheel’s on fire? Is it rolling down the road?
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What’s the use? Okay, the wheel’s on fire, and it’s rolling down the road towards the P. Moron office!
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There’s been no fire in our office since yesterday morning.
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Are you in the right office?
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I lit an incense stick to make up for it.
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If he’s lucky, he can sell the ring. She may skip town.
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Right! She can skip town with the ring. Then, she can sell it. Brilliant!
He’s not lucky. He’s an asphole.
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Love turns us into mush.
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LOLush!
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That too! 🍻
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She’s witty, is Resa. When not swearing!!! I say! When will the madness end!?
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She’s a clever girl. Of course we swear , look around.
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Mashed potato?
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Exactly.
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Yes. Yes he can. But will he? He could fob it on the black market.
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With a broken heart. That’s so sad.
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Better a broken heart than a broken go-kart. As the old saying goes.
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For sure. No body messes with my go-Kart.
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Hell no, biatch! Polite nod of respect.
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biatch indeed. Don’t forget that.
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Agony Aunt,
Where did you get these ideas on love? Mr. Wapojif? However, the list can actually NOT be improved upon!
Best to all who pay any attention to it!
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I got them off Wikipedia. Of course!
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Ah… well, it’s all false, so buck up and try another round of stupid answers.
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Lol! Next thing you’ll be telling me the Earth is round!
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Well, I don’t know about that, but I do know that the sun and moon move from horizon to horizon.
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The Moon is an illusion. Jim Morrison told me so in a dream.
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Cool! Next time he shows up, send him over to my dreamscape!!!!
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He charges fees for dream appearances.
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🤣
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Great list 👍 How about as well after a long period of hermitry you start going out to late night karaoke bars to sing BOTH parts of I Got You Babe?
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I can get onboard with that. Or to bellow I Will Always Love You in a strong northern accent.
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🤣 Brings the house down that tooon!
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PS Check my latest blog — one fur the Chorley Massive!
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Oh ‘eck! Will do!
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Reight you arrr 👍
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