It’s almost Valentine’s Day! So, we’re on a matchmaking mission! Are you a filly looking for the man bloke of your dreams? Here they all are! Pick. Flirt. Marry. Divorce.

P.S. If you’re a dame after your prime geezer, don’t forget to check out 2021’s women seeking men. 

Online Dating 2021: The Men

Simply take your pick from the hunks below and drop us a message—we’ll forward on your contact details and then, you know, you do the rest.

#Box 1: Jeremy, 51, From Scunthorpe

Hobbies: Reciting poetry, baking, taking relaxing country walks, looking after my mother, voluntary work in the community, black market arms dealing.

Description: Salutations! I am seeking a lady of much sophistication and repose to engage with formal, and informal, discourse.

I am an honest and trustworthy gentleman, with my only shady dealing relating to my expenditure and swindling of illegal weapons of mass destruction.

Do not worry about that. It is merely something I manage in my spare time during the deep, dark, lonely hours of the early morning.

Only thrice has it resulted in bloodshed, but never for any of my relatives. Other than my former wife, who was kidnapped and shot dead during a dispute over an atom bomb.

Fear not! Those responsible have promised never to do that again. So, my place for a lobster with champagne?

#Box 2: Johnny, 24, From Barnsley

Hobbies: taking drugs

Description: hi how r u

#Box 3: Steven, 44, From Nottingham

Hobbies: defeating NOOBIE scum LOL LOL LOL 🙂

Description: Hello I’m Ste and I like video games in fact my doctor says I’m addicted to them because I play them for 100 hours a week so I called him a noob LOL roflmao.

I then sent him a death threat over Twitter LOOOL! And the SNOWFLAKE called the police on me LOL! Leftist thickos ruining the world again.

Anyway, I’m looking for a dead fit girl to hang out with and you MUST be a PS4 gamer because anything else is for gays.

In return you get a well-rounded guy with a solid job as an IT consultant and two kids from a couple of drunken mistakes in my 20s.

#Box 4: Mike, 29, Manchester

Hobbies: working out

Description: Hello. I’m Mike and I’m pursuing a world record for having the strongest right arm in the whole of human history.

I work out 10 hours a day with my right arm. The bicep on it is the size of a large teapot. The rest of my body is pretty puny and kind of wasting away, but my right arm… just wait till you see it, babe.

So I need a bird to look after me while I go for the world record later in ’21. I get sick a lot with blood vessels bursting in my eyes and teeth grinding leading to facial and inner-mouth lacerations.

But babe once I’m crowned World Champion and get my record the sky’s the limit! It’s a £10,000 reward!

Imagine what we can do with that in England these days!! It’s enough to actually get out a deposit and rent a flat!!! What housing crisis, am I right!?

#Box 5: Floyd, 20, Birmingham

Hobbies: will fill this in later

Description: hi how r u? wuu2?

#Box 6: Jeff, 56, Lancaster

Hobbies: Waxing my boat, polishing my Lamborghini, womanising, and denying the reality of my age.

Description: I’m a successful local business owner and as a great success I expect my woman to respect my achievements and hold me in a spiritual aura.

When not earning much more than you running my shed repairment business, I’m relaxing at home waxing/polishing my boat and/or £100,000+ Lamborghini.

Otherwise I enjoy partying and teaching the young ones of today how to let loose on a Friday night. My doctor said my blood pressure can’t handle it and I told him he’s just jealous because I earn more than him.

This isn’t a question of whether you want to date me. It’s about whether I want to date you. What do you bring to the table? Make your pitch. I expect to be amazed.

#Box 7: Bob, 65, Burnley

Hobbies: Football, pies, pasties, beer, England.

Description: Hiya I’m Bob from Burnley. Like me pies, pasties, beer, footie, and proud to be British. I live with me mum (85) Barbara in Burnley and we like to eat pies, pasties. And talk about pies and pasties. I like meat pies and pasties. They’re good. Beer is also good.

Sometimes I get a pasty and dip the pasty into the beer right down half way and so the pasty has beer on it and I call this “pasty dipping” like when you dip a biscuit into a cup of tea.

Footie I support Burnley and I have a pie before the game starts and then a pasty at half-time and then beer and pasties/pies after the game.

I’m looking for a woman. If you like pies then that’s dead good. But I’m easy whatever floats your boat. No foreigners please I want a local woman.

#Box 8: Kevin, 51, Birmingham

Hobbies: Just joined will do this later.

Description: Hi how are you? Why you join this dating site? wuu2? lol

#Box 9: John, 27, Putney of London

Hobbies: Parkour, personal emancipation, cheese.

Description: I am an enthusiastic parkour enthusiast. I partake in parkour because it liberates my spirit and enables me to break bones on a regular basis. As a sadomasochist this is important to me.

So I need a bird to look after to me while my gaping wounds and shattered ankles recover. You know, fetch me drinks. Turn the telly on and off. Fetch me Xbox games from the shop.

What’s in it for you? My buttocks of steel and rock hard abs! And extraneous medical bills.

#Box 10: Callum, 18, Bolton

Hobbies: Vlogging.

Description: I’m a vlogger on YouTube and have 150k subs. Bit of a celeb as you can see. I’m planning to convert the ration of viewers to subs by integrating my social channels into my feed to take a more vertical stance on my prospects.

My channel (which you’ll need to sub to, otherwise I ain’t going near you, yo) has content like epic reaction videos, reviews on why the new Star Wars films SUCK and eight hour slaggings of Game of Thrones season 8. D&D suck balls!

My fame grows from day to day so I need a girl for my PR department. They said it wouldn’t suit my brand to not have a woman in my life because my largely male followers would unsub if they think I’m gay.

I spend most of my time vlogging but will make time for you each week with a trip to a restaurant like McDonald’s and we can go at it like rabbits in my spare time lol you know what I mean?

#Box 11: John, 60, Preston

Hobbies: [This was left blank]

Description: hi how r u