Happy New Year, weaklings! Oh, sorry… did I offend you? Diddums! WELL, IT’S TIME TO PUT SOME HAIR ON YOUR EYEBROWS!
Are you puny!? You wanna get fit? Join my martial arts classes! You wanna get drunk? Also join my martial arts classes! LET’S DO THIS!!
Drink & Fight Your Way to a BETTER YOU!!
“Kiai! Kiai! KIAI! Kian I have a pint of mild, mate?”
Merry Mike’s Drunken Martial Arts Classes are set in The Bay Horse & Bazooka pub of Bolton, Greater Manchester.
Sign up for a class in the pub! Then attend your slot, all in time to get the bevvies in and start your evening piss-up.
Because the drunker you get, the angrier you’ll get!
And that’s the perfect setting for you to start lugging fists at some geezers, all to the vague tune of ancient martial arts practices.
With Merry Mike’s expertly crafted sessions, you’ll get:
- Personalised tutoring on how to start a drunken pub brawl.
- Life lessons on why delivering a swift kick to the testicles is better than mastering Taekwondo.
- Guidelines on how to make a first and slug it one.
- Impactful sessions on how to keep standing even when you’re too pissed to see anything.
- Masterclasses in not spilling your pint even when performing a mid-air roundhouse kick (回し蹴り—Mawashi Geri).
- Verbal tutorage on how to openly leer at women and drunkenly bellow stuff.
- The how, when, and why of getting angry and yelling, “You startin’, mate!?”
You’ll find our guide to speaking Northern English useful in the early stages of your martial arts lessons, mate.
And… oi oi, darlin’!? If you’re a broad, you’re welcome to down a few pints at The Bay Horse & Bazooka and pelt a few glasses at the warring geezers.
Then after, you can clean up the smashed glass and wash up all the pots in the kitchen. Because that’s where women belong!
About Merry Mike the Martial Arts Master
Merry Mike has 40 years’ experience with drunken barroom brawls and is a white belt in karate, the lowest possible level in the dojo.
His first drunken brawl was in the summer of 1971, when he punched a fellow geezer in the mug for stealing his pork pie. Merry Mike’s motto is:
“Pay up or I’ll ‘it yer!”
And it’s been taking him from success to success since the Seventies (except for extended periods in prison due to assault charges).
Since 2001, Merry Mike has been landlord of The Bay Horse & Bazooka and has overseen the removal of several rat infestations.
His favourite pint is John Smiths and he supports Bolton FC (FYI—if you don’t support Bolton FC, he’ll threaten to ‘it yer).
Merry Mike’s love for martial arts came about after watching The Karate Kid in 1984. He’s watched in 1,364 times.
He’s dubbed his version of martial arts as:
“Taekwon do you want a pint, mate?”
A motto all beer swilling geezers can live by, even if all globally registered martial arts communities refuse to acknowledge Merry Mike and his inebriated ways.