You want cement?! Well, you’d better get used to CEMENT! As Buy Cement! Now! NOW!! NOW!!! is here to enforce cement purchases the world over!

We’ve teamed up with Sid’s Shed Slaying Service to ensure you have all the cement you need, to store in your shed, which you’ll then detonate!

Because what the world needs is more cement! Much more. Like, we want to see everyone drowning in bags of cement! Yes!

Cement is All You need

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

Ghandi’s words. Not ours! Yet what that SOB really meant is:

“Happiness is when what you cement, what you cement, and what you do are in cement.”

Great words, right there! And here are cement FACTS! Cement is:

• Powdery-bloody-substance!
• Powdery!
• Used to construct buildings like Cornwall.
• Much better than our invention cemint!

Cement. Without it, there would be no Bolton of Greater Manchester. Without cement, there would literally be no The Moon.

WITHOUT CEMENT… there would be no pizza, no glue, no factories, no cheese, no nothing. Cement is the binding fabric of all of mankind. Womankind? Not sure on that one. But mankind—100%!

Okay, that’s the statistics out of the way. Now the harsh reality check!

Unless you buy cement, society is doomed! Yes, citizen, it’s upon YOU to buy cement to ensure the entire human race (including women) gets to visit Bolton of Greater Manchester.

Cement as the Saviour of Humanity (and Bolton)

The important thing now is to cement your place in history.

Concrete plans are all good and well. But it’s like if you put ducks in a cement mixer, you’ll get quacks in the pavement. And that would be mortar-fying!

Worse yet, if you’re lying with bones shattered on the floor because your building didn’t have any cement, and you moved in like a numpty, but now your bones are shattered, and you’re flattened, and you should have bought cement.

And then you realise you’ll never get to visit Bolton of Greater Manchester to buy a pork pie. That’s when despair will truly hit you.

Why Are We Advertising Pies Alongside Cement?

It has come to our attention the noun “PIE” is placed on the bottom left hand corner of our marketing collateral. That is alongside the picture of a tasty pie foodstuff.

We’d like to indicate that Buy Cement! Now! NOW!! NOW!!! is not affiliated, and never will be, with pies.

Cement has nothing to do with pies. That’s God’s honest truth.

However, we believe the nature of the pie (for example, the butter pie) is worthy of inclusion in our business as pies are just like that. Miracles of construction (baking).

Our CEO Dave Pieson (ironic, we know) often recites this personal aphorism (or whatever it is):

“No great work of architecture has ever been outside a ten mile radius of a pie. No construction company has ever gone a day without an employee eating a pie. And no pie has ever been baked that hasn’t had someone who’s once been inside a building bake it or eat it. The pie is to a building what a door is to a door. Edible.”

Mr. Pieson also has episodes of mania and once confused a tree with a great white shark, but we believe his words of wisdom will inspire the world to buy more pies.

And cement. Don’t forget the cement! You can keep the bags in your shed.