Agony Aunt: “My husband’s solution for everything is to abandon ship”

An abandoned ship left in the countryside
Abandon it!

Some human males live in a fantasy world of their own creation, believing themselves to be experts at everything.

Such as believing in the the capacity for a shed to save a marriage.

But other human males pick up peculiar solutions to dilemmas in order to “save the day” in heroic fashion and appear superior to everyone else. Such as today’s foolish fool.

Abandoning Ship (In the Name of Love)

Heya. Right, this is an odd one. My husband, John, who is 45 years old, has come up with a weird solution to many of our marital and/or life problems. 

Basically, if there's a problem he can't handle he just yells, "ABANDON SHIP!" Then he puts on his life jacket (which he carries with him at all times) and jumps overboard. 

Now, obviously, we're not onboard a ship 99.9% of the time. So he has to use his inventiveness (and I give him credit for this) to "jump overboard" something. If we're at home, this often means running a warm bath, putting a step ladder next to it, and jumping into the bath. Problem is, that particularly incident shattered his ankles. 

Undeterred, he's since recovered and jumped overboard 13 more times. Including:

- Throwing himself off the roof of our house when I raised the question of his potential vasectomy. 
- Hurling himself into the kitchen sink at a restaurant, as he couldn't handle whether we should have red or white wine.
- Leaping from our moving car when I asked him if he'd take the bins out when we got home.
- Driving 100 miles to his nearest harbour to get on a ship, then abandon it, after I asked him to pay the electricity bill.

I must say this isn't really making me want to divorce him. His weird behaviour is actually quite entertaining. If a little tiresome. As it makes it difficult to raise issues, you know? I can see this is his tactic. 

Like I want to talk to him about moving house and I know that'll lead to some new flight of fancy. What will he do? Jump off Blackpool Tower? I'd prefer it if he didn't get himself maimed through all of this. 

As such, your suggestions are most welcome! Regards, Hannah

Hello, Hannah! This is an unusual case! But not too unusual to be quite common, actually.

Just remember that tremendous ode to sailing, How to Avoid Huge Ships. Every young man who has ever read that has dreamt of one day owning a ship, sailing it, hitting something (with the ship), then abandoning ship. Usually by jumping overboard.

It’s a rite of passage as a man. You can’t call yourself a real man until you’ve thrown yourself overboard in dramatic fashion.

Sadly, due to a lack of world wars these days, it’s become less of an option for human males. And it can lead to repression.

As such, your husband is now living out this manly pursuit. Just to excessive fashion.

Indeed, we’d argue his endless pursuit of abandoning ship is somewhat romantically fatalistic. As in:

  • He realises the beauty of his actions.
  • But he doesn’t own a ship.

Our immediate suggestion is to buy him a small rubber dinghy and a paddling pool. Place these in your garden.

The result of this is, whenever he feels the urge to abandon ship, he can rush into his garden and slake his desire.

We think that’s a sensible solution for all concerned. Just, for the love of God, don’t ever take him on a holiday cruise. It’d be the death of him!

Sadly, that’s a compromise you’ll have to deal with for the rest of your days.

18 comments

  1. Anyway, your stupid suggestion is actually pretty good… I mean about the pool in the yard. Go figure?

    So, my dear, I re-posted the post I did with the pics you sent from the Ukraine. I thought it appropriate at this time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not an “abandon ship” kind of guy on account of not owning one. But I am sure as hell am a “run for the hills” man, because there are some green hills nearby that I can rush towards whenever I feel things are about to go to crap.

    Liked by 1 person

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