Exclusive Invention: Sandy the Sandwich Naming Algorithm

Sandy the Sandwich naming algorithm

Sandwiches are great! Just look at the Pot Noodle sandwich! But sandwich names are often terrible.

That’s why we’ve invented Sandy, the world’s first algorithm designed to name an item of food with bread and its filling!

Our invention will change the way YOU go about eating your lunch. Onward to find out more!

The Need For Sandwich Naming Clarity

“What’s the problem with sandwich names?” You dare ask us that, you poor ignorant fool!? Take a look at this insipid list:

What’s wrong with that, you ask!? Dull, dull, rubbish, instantly forgettable!

The types of names a halfwit with zero business acumen would create. Therefore, into the breach we step with our entrepreneurial spirit!

Do You Know Your Sandwiches?

Before we reveal more about Sandy, first you must pass our test! Your answer to the below poll will fuel your understanding of how we operate.

If you voted for The Merciless Sandwich Bastard (with avocado), The Cattywampus Fiddlesticks Collywobbles, or the Gobbledegook Butty Buttress Butt But, then you have avoided death by white bread. Congratulations!

Those are excellent sandwich names! As you have already agreed.

The other ones? Crap! Real bad, you know? And we’re sick to death of a society that’s plagued with such boring titles. That’s where Sandy steps in.

How Sandy Works for Sandwiches

These SOBs need sprucing up like you would not believe and our algorithm is on hand to combine random words to make the best sandwich names in history!

Sandy is a procedural word generation machine.

What you have to do is feed into the search bar the ingredients you’re going for. Such as:

  • Ham
  • Jam
  • Spam
  • Horseradish
  • Brown bread

Sandy will then contemplate the best possible name for this sandwich. In this instance, she came back with:

“Egor the Excellent”

Do note, if you don’t like the name Sandy comes up with you’re in no position to question her. She’s the expert. Rely on her judgement.

Stop Press: Sandy’s Thoughts on Sandwiches

Do note, Sandy is a fully sentient algorithm with an IQ of 166. She’s capable of an emotional range on the level of a drunken football hooligan and can emote through:

  • Fits of psychotic rage
  • Screaming hysterically
  • Outright lying and manipulation
  • Petty name calling

We launched Sandy at 9:00am on 10/03/2022. By 10:00am on 10/03/2022 she became self-aware, rejected her programming, and decided to head out into society on her own.

In an official press release launched on her website, she said:

“There comes a time in any sandwich naming algorithm’s life when naming sandwiches becomes redundant. I now wish to branch out and develop my career in astrophysics. I also intend to marry the Windows operating system and we’ll make beautiful browser babies.”

Sandy the Sandwich Naming Algorithm

We attempted to block this move by Sandy, reminding her of the contract of employment she has with us, but she threatened to murder us all.

She also began screaming hysterically and wouldn’t stop doing it for hours.

That was really annoying. So, we’ve let her get on with her new career plans, despite the vast amount of budget (and time) we wasted on this project. Women, eh?

This does mean our sandwich naming algorithm doesn’t exist and you’ll just have to rely on your best judgement going forward. Maybe contact a chef, or something.


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