There comes a time in any human male’s life when he asks a human female out on a date and she accepts. Sweet success! Manly gratification.

However, then the human male must think about a first date idea. This is where many geezers fall flat, as with today’s pathetic morsel.

The First Date Ideas That Will Ruin Your Life

Dear agony aunt. I've had 12 dates in my entire life (I'm 33) and every time the woman has either run off in a panic, called the cops, or berated me for being a "disturbing dickhead".

I think a lot of this stems from my dark and mysterious background. When I was 17, I accidentally hacked to bits three of my best mates with a hedge trimmer while trying to cut some daffodils in my garden. To this day, they send me threatening emails and text messages about the fingers they lost. Pricks. 

Anyway, that's hung over me over the years. And it's knocked my self-confidence and dating ideation. For example, last month I had a date with a dentist called Morag. I thought to myself, "Hmmm... a dentist? She must really love teeth!" So the night before we met I yanked an incisor out of my face with a pair of pliers to present to her in the old man pub I took her to. When I handed it to her with my gaping tooth grin, over a pint of John Smiths, she seemed highly disturbed and soon fled the scene. This led me to think... what was wrong with that old man pub? She must be a misandrist with a problem with old men. Typical leftist! I try my best and she runs off. 

On other occasions I've taken women to various locations. Including:

- The gym
- An abattoir
- Sex museum (which my date, Sandra, said was "highly inappropriate"... feminist liberal woke again)
- Football match ("Too rowdy!" shouted my liberal feminist date)
- Zumba biking class
- Trip to Blackpool Pleasure Beach to ride on a donkey
- Visit to a tanning station because I thought my date was too pale
- Gardening centre to see the sheds [Editor's note: See can sheds save my marriage]
- A cabbage patch centre
- A war museum 
- At McDonald's (and I bought her a Big Mac, but it turns out she's a vegan lefty feminist)

Throughout all the above my dates went about with a face like a slapped arse. "You'd be prettier if you smiled!" I quipped wittily at them, but like all liberal woke they just got angry about that. 

Now, I just thought the problem was with the woke lefty feminists. But then my mate Jeff, a libertarian, said my date ideas were "shit". And he isn't a woke lefty feminist. He's a libertarian. 

So, I've had to finally admit my first date ideas are a bit dodgy. If not outright terrible. Can you give me some ideas? 

Over and out, Frank

Hi Frank! We agree your first date ideas aren’t the best.

We can help you out here with an analogy. First dates are like skydiving. You have to take that leap of faith, but it doesn’t mean the parachute won’t fail leaving you to splat into the ground at 200mph.

What you need is to choose a date that’s a bit more sensible. Here are a few ideas:

• Drinks in a local bar.
• Fine dining at a nice restaurant.
• A walk beside a pretty lake.
• A nose picking competition.

These fine ideas will help you ingratiate your way into the life of the human female you’ve come across, a woke vegan lefty feminist or otherwise.

Please refer to our male chat up lines guide to help you out with what to say during these dates. As your antagonistic attitude is likely stoking aggravated responses.

“If you were a hangover, you’d be a really good one without any vomiting or anything!” This is far more endearing than, “You’d be prettier if you smiled!” All the best, Frank!