Editor’s Note: Due to Gary’s terrible grammar, we’ve had to update this week’s sponsored post so it actually makes sense.
Hello I’m Gary and I’m a master grammar teacher. I also sell grates.
THAT’S RIGHT! You can learn all about grammar AND get the best deal on the market for grates. Whether you think you don’t need a grate or not, rest assured you DEFINITELY do need a grate.
Think how much better you’ll feel with one of these in your life!
How would you feel!? Let me explain to you now in tedious fashion EXACTLY the range of emotions you’d have with great grammar and a great grate:
- Remorse (for not having a great grate in your life before)
- Regret (for not using Garys’ Grate Grammur-Lesson’s until now)
- Embarrassment (that you NEVER HAD A GRATE BEFORE!)
- Shame (FOR NEVER OWNING A GRATE UNTIL NOW!!)
- WORRY (THAT YOUR FRIENDS WILL JUDGE YOU FOR YOUR PAST GRATE-BASED MISDEMEANOURS!!!)
Unquestionably, the most important thing you can do with your life RIGHT NOW is book grammar lessons with me AND then you can buy a grate.
Satisfaction is guaranteed.
In fact, I can GUARANTEE you will SOIL your pants* with delight over the sheer brilliance of everything about my business. Now that is happiness!
*Disclaimer: Please note, you will be solely responsible for funding the clean-up operation in the aftermath of your accident.
Gary’s Grating Grammar Masterclass
BUT THE GRATING DOESN’T JUST STOP THERE!
No, I also throw into the bargain lessons on grating vegetables! You name it, you can learn to grate it. Including:
- Baked beans
- Corn on the cob
- Pot Noodles
- Tinned Full English Breakfasts
- Those Beyond Burger vegan things
- Kellogg’s Cornflakes
Now you must picture the scene. You come home after spending a mere £250 on my lessons filled with the joys of grammatical excellence.
You are LITERALLY crying with joy!!
And then you start grating carrots. Sheer joy!! Then you look to your right and there’s a grate installed in your living room floor. SHEER JOY!!!
Naturally, you’ll then have a crashing comedown of depression as the following day simply can’t compare to the total euphoria of the previous day.
BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK! Because…
Gary’s Great Amateur Psychology Sessions
THAT’S RIGHT! I’m also a great amateur psychologist and I’ve teamed up with Dr. Bob’s Bargain Brain Surgery Bonanza to offer a 20% discount on brain surgery designed to:
- Make you even better at grammar!
- Ensure you’re in a 24/7 blitzing rage of euphoria!
That’s right, by boring a hole into your skull with a drill I can poke pages of a thesaurus into your brain, which’ll absorb the knowledge and turn you into the GREATEST LIVING GRAMMATARIAN!
IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT! NO SIDEFFECTS… GUARANTEED*!
Remember, grammar is only great when it’s accompanied by a grate and food grating (and experimental brain surgery).
Until you’ve got all of that in your life… why, you’re just a PATHETIC LOSER!
*Disclaimer: This experimental brain surgery is almost certain to result in your entering a state described in the medical profession as “no longer being alive”. Do so at your own risk.