Condensation is the most desirable product on Earth.
It’s got the X factor. It’s brilliant, it’s got serious sex appeal, and it’s the hottest shizz in town since condensed milk.
The Cantankerous Condensation Company Ltd. meets the public’s passionate demand for condensation. We’re the condensation experts and we’re here to ensure you get your fill, whenever you need it.
Condensation: A Cautionary Tale
Picture the scene. You’re a trendy 20 something living in a flat in the city. You can’t afford a house because you’ve got a Netflix account. But you don’t care! You’re loving city life and you’re dating to meet the man of your dreams.
You go on a date with Pierre.
He’s the hottest loaf of bread since the baguette—when you look at him you get the shivers (possibly because you suspect he’s a serial killer).
But he’s so hot you date him anyway and it goes super well. He sweeps you off your feet with his charm offensive.
You go back to your flat so you can show him your collection of doilies. Whilst doing so… he sees… THERE’S NO CONDENSATION IN YOUR FLAT!
Disgusted and horrified, he flees the scene and calls the police.
The police call the army. Within 30 minutes, you’re in solitary confinement in a maximum security prison. You’re tortured by persistent tickling. You get called mean names (“fuddy-duddy” etc.). You’re mocked for your lack of condensation.
You confess to your crimes against condensation and VOW to ensure your windows are covered in water droplets collecting across the glass and near to the windowsill.
You’re released back into society.
You try to rebuild your life, but your reputation is destroyed. Yet, there is HOPE! You’re lucky and bag a date with Gordon.
Gordon smells and is stupid. He likes belching and scratching his butt.
But he falls in love with you. Because he’s the only guy who’ll so much as look at you ever again, you’re stuck with his hairy big fat arse. What else are you going to do!? Go Speed Dating for Ghosts?!
No. You do the familial thing. You have babies. They all suffer from male pattern balding before the age of 10 (including the females).
They all belch relentlessly. They smell. They look too much like Gordon.
20 years later you take a moment to reflect on your flatulent family. They all lounge around in gravy-stained vests scratching their butts and belching.
You take a moment to reflect on 20 years prior when you broke the law with your crimes against condensation.
Rushing over to check your windows, you see there’s condensation everywhere. Panic attack over. You glance back at Gordon, who’s passed out on the living room floor in a pool of his own vomit. You proudly think, “I have achieved something with my life!”
But you have a melancholic repose and remember Pierre and the life that could have been… HAD YOU PUT THE EFFORT IN AND HAD CONDENSATION!
Get Condensation Today!
If you want a life free from disgusting creeps like Gordon, hire The Cantankerous Condensation Company Ltd. today!
With your first order you also get a COMPLETELY FREE tin of condensed milk!
Call us NOW for a COMPLETELY FREE consultation! We’ll talk you through your options on how to get condensation into your life.
For only £1,000 an hour, we’ll visit your home, survey your property, and provide a DETAILED REPORT on how to ensure you’re clogged up with condensation 24/7.
Remember, condensation is the difference between a good life… and a horrifying fate. Get condensation. Or get condemned to Hell.
Call us IMMEDIATELY on: 001-100-010-000-111-666.