Men! End your dating woes immediately with this selection of top totty! These are some fabulous dames and you’d be wise to marry at least one of them immediately for lifelong domestic servicing solutions guaranteed.
Pirates of the land, download the Yarr!! app for swashbuckling dates AND to cover all of your scurvy-based needs!
Online Dating 2023: Find Your Dame
Single and pathetic!? Not for long! Pick from the beauties below and they’ll be in the kitchen making you dinner before you can say, “Get me a beer, woman!”
#Box 1: Smug Gym Pics Polly, 40, Manchester
- Hobbies: Dedicating an entire Instagram account to half-naked pictures of myself grinning smugly into the mirror in my gym clothes
- Ambitions: To make everyone jealous of my hot bod
- Looking for: A guy who dedicates every waking moment to crafting the perfect bod, at the expense of actually spending any time ensuring he’s not a total prick
Hi I’m Polly and I’ll get to the point, get in touch NOW and FOLLOW my Insta account! I need to meet my 2023 influencer goals.
My job is to post half-naked pictures of myself to Insta flexing and sucking it all in so I set unrealistic beauty standards for myself (and everyone following my account).
I do this because I’m smug, although I’m admitting this in a moment of rare clarity. Probably because I’m writing this through a haze of exercise fatigue. Normally, I just say the world NEEDS to see me standing there, abs of perfection, with an annoyingly smug smirk on my face of total superiority and self-satisfaction.
From a man, I expect someone who doesn’t criticise my desire to express my feministic desire for vanity.
#Box 2: Anti-Selfie Susan, 40, London
- Hobbies: Leading the battle against selfies
- Ambitions: To destroy selfies once and for all!
- Looking for: A fellow revolutionary
I co-founded the Anti-Selfie Movement (ASM) and we’re looking to DESTROY all known selfies across the world. My organisation is hellbent on eradicating this annoying practice so social media users can peruse social accounts without smug looking people being vain.
This does mean you’ll have to have someone take pictures of you for your social accounts/online dating profile.
I AM NOT INTERESTED in any MAN who has a PROFILE PICTURE where it’s OBVIOUS he’s taken a selfie. Total humility or move along, champ. I’ve no room in my life for a conceited POS with an ego fixation. Selfies will DIE and I’ll be celebrated the world over, statues will be built in my honour, there’ll be an official day named after me, and I’ll win the Nobel Peace Prize.
#Box 3: Operatic Ophelia, 45, Portsmouth
- Hobbies: Opera
- Ambitions: Opera
- Looking for: Opera
Hi I’m Ophelia and I’m an opera singer. My screech can reach 100 decibels and shatter windows in any home. I’m really proud of this.
From a man, I need someone to have a good set of earmuffs so you don’t go deaf. Because I do a lot of screeching (it’s my job), and no MAN is going to ruin my career goals.
Litmus test—if you know what La bohème we should meet immediately for tea in a teashop. You’ll need spare change to cover the repair bill on the shattered windows (I will be providing an operatic demonstration, whether you want one or not).
#Box 4: How R U Harriet, 25, Southampton
- Hobbies: how r u
- Ambitions: how r u
- Looking for: how r u
hi how r u
#Box 5: Documentarian Daisy, 35, Southampton
- Hobbies: Arching and documenting males
- Ambitions: To create the ultimate encyclopaedia of males
- Looking for: Specimens
Hello I’m Daisy. I’m making it my life’s work to document all types of human male. Please contact me with some basic details:
- Height, weight, age, physical appearance, penis size
- Religious and political beliefs
- Favourite film
- Stance regarding beer bellies
Please also send me pictures of your nether regions. This isn’t for nefarious purposes, I just desire a complete record of human male “willies” for posterity purposes.
#Box 6: Dickhead Deirdre, 49, London
- Looking for:
All right? I’m Dickhead Deirdre. Still here [Editor: See Lonely Hearts Column ’22: Women Seeking Men]. Still single. Still a dickhead.
Kind of given up on ever finding a BASTARD man. Some say I’m too much of a dickhead to “pull a guy”, but I’m not having none of that. It’s them BASTARDS. Last date I had last year, I demanded we go to an expense restaurant and he pay the bill and I ordered all the real expensive fancy stuff. Bill was £635. He objected to paying, so I did a runner.
Only heard back from him when he asked me to “go halves” on the bill. PRICK!
#Box 7: Desperately Seeking Russell Crowe, 55, London
- Hobbies: Russell Crowe
- Ambitions: To marry Russell Crowe
- Looking for: Russell Crowe
Hello I’m Claire. On the off chance Russell Crowe is on this dating platform, please get in touch and let us get married. No other males need apply (unless they are Russell Crowe).
#Box 8: Where is my Russell Crowe?!?, 56, London
- Hobbies: Daydreaming about marrying Russell Crowe
- Ambitions: To marry Russell Crowe
- Looking for: Russell Crowe (or a Russell Crowe lookalike)
Are you Russell Crowe!? If so, get in touch IMMEDIATELY! Ignore anyone else asking for you, I’m your woman! I’m 56 with newly installed breast implants and I look the part!
Ditch whoever you’re with RIGHT NOW and hitch up with me. I will worship the ground you walk on and bake you many cakes (P.S. My favourite film of yours is Titanic).
#Box 9: Lovely Linda, 42, Plymouth
- Hobbies: Being lovely
- Ambitions: Loveliness
- Looking for: A lovely man
I am lovely Linda, the loveliest lady in the land. I am so lovely I come with a warning certificate all people must read so as not to disrupt the aura of lovely I promote. To maintain these standards of lovely, do not:
- Swear near, or around, my person
- Gob on the floor
- Scratch yourself in public (or private)
- Smell of BO
Follow the above guidelines for a date and be sure to read my book prior to meeting me: Lovely Linda’s Loveliest Love Loveliness.
#Box 10: Gertrude, 38, Skegness
- Hobbies: fuck off i’m not filling in this shit me
- Ambitions: i sed i’m not filling in this shit!
- Looking for: HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOT TO SAY IT!? FUCK OFF!
all right i’m gertrude i’m from skeggy. can’t be bothered filling this out will do it later just contact me BUT ONLY IF YOUR NOT A TWAT!!