Lonely Hearts Column 2023: Women Seeking Men

Lonely Hearts Column 2023: Women Seeking Men

It’s a New Year! And for the singleton women out there, here’s your opportunity to meet the man of your dreams! The dreamboats on show here will ensure you’re happily married before you can answer the deluge of “wuu2?” messages.

If you’re a pirate, don’t forget to download the Yarr!! app for your swashbuckling dating and scurvy-based requirements.

Online Dating 2023: Find Your Hunk

Here are the hunks of 2023, ladies! Take your pick from this lot. You’re really spoiled for choice this time out with an assortment of beefcakes and weirdos.

#Box 1: Dick Pic Dave, 19, Liverpool

  • Hobbies: Taking dick pics
  • Ambitions: To open an art gallery dedicated to my dick pics
  • Looking for: Dick pic appreciators

All right, babes? I’m Dave but the police have dubbed me “Dick Pic Dave” because of my habit of sharing dick pics with anyone I meet. I have a compulsive habit of sending them to anyone and everyone.

You name it, I’ve sent it to them. Food delivery drivers, TrustPilot reviewers, Uber taxi drivers, and many, many dames on dating sites.

It’s not impressive or anything in fact some women point and laugh at how small it actually is.

That hurts my feelings. But I’m the mature one here. And those FEMINAZI DOODOOHEADS won’t be laughing when my art gallery is open and I’m RICH and SUCCESSFULL!!! roflmao

#Box 2: Neil the Nihilist, 18, Scunthorpe

  • Hobbies: Philosophy, nihilism, cynicism, negativity
  • Ambitions: Supreme Ruler of Earth
  • Looking for: Someone as negative about everything as I am

All right? I’m Neil. I just started at university in Scunthorpe in philosophy and my professor introduced me to nihilism.

After reading a book on it I’ve realised I’m much more intelligent than everyone else and the normies don’t understand they’re part of a pointless system and they’re sheep. I’m an anarcho-democratic conservative communitarian totalitarian nationalistic fascist. I will be the next Supreme Ruler of Earth. My manifesto will include a ban on brown bread and semi-skimmed milk.

Due to this impending status, only the most beautiful (and rich, if applicable) women are allowed to contact me.

#Box 3: Bald Bob, 50, Bolton of Greater Manchester

  • Hobbies: Violently defending bald fellas
  • Ambitions: Making baldness great again
  • Looking for: Someone to cook me tea

Hi I’m Bob I’m divorced and I have five kids and I’ve spent 30 years working in the cement industry and I’m bald. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?

If you’ve got a problem with ME being BALD then I’ll lamp you one, fella, I don’t take not no not kindly to ANYONE dissing ME baldness!!!

I’m a gentleman and a kind man and I don’t no not want no violence in my household by God if you have a problem with bald fellas you’ll be sleeping out back in the shed, woman. No nookie for you out there, you intolerant bitch!

#Box 4: Bald Bernard, 51,

Bolton of Greater Manchester

  • Hobbies: Politics
  • Ambitions: Become the first bald Prime Minister
  • Looking for: Someone willing to shave their hair off

Hello I’m Bernard, your next Prime Minister of England. There’s one thing what stands me out over the rest of other British politics—I are bald. Baldness is a disease and it’s one spread by unsanitary air conditions.

My goal as Prime Minister will be to ensure there’s plenty of open air in England. Like there used to be in the good old days back when London was plagued by smog outbreaks. Were there baldness then? NO!! Were there public hangings, too? YES!! The world has gone too soft and I’m going to headbutt back into shape to cure baldness.

Want to be me wife on me journey? Get in touch and hurry up about it, woman.

#Box 5: Balding Barry, 52,

Bolton of Greater Manchester

  • Hobbies: Working out new and exciting ways to create a combover
  • Ambitions: Perfecting the combover
  • Looking for: Someone with an excellent selection of combs

Barry’s the name, balding’s the game! My male pattern balding started when I was but 50 years old and it’s advanced rapidly across my cranium and onward toward the base of my skull.

However, there’s still plenty of game in my mane! I comb that SOB over and it almost looks like I’m not on the verge of total baldness, merely only slightly balding! Takes skill, that.

What I want for 2023 is a woman with a vast collection of combs. These’ll help me perfect my combover and help me look forever youthful. Is that you? Let’s get married this instant!

#Box 6: Fake Profile Fiona, 32, Hastings

  • Hobbies: Impersonating men online
  • Ambitions: To become the world’s best man impersonator
  • Looking for: Bloke skills

Hi it’s Fiona here, I’m actually a woman. But don’t let that put you off! I’m better than most of the guys you’ll met here, although I don’t have a beer belly nor the capacity to create other human beings.

Still, I’m upping my game as a woman impersonating men. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t announce to everyone straight away I’m not a man. That may well be a beginner’s mistake.

But I’m getting there! 2023 will be the year I nail it! I’ll be waxing lyrical about football and drunkenly punching people in the face before you can bellow, “Two nil, to the Aresnal!”

#Box 7: Snapchat Simon, 18, Keighley

  • Hobbies: send me ur snap babe
  • Ambitions: send me ur snap babe
  • Looking for: send me ur snap babe

babe send me your snap. no promise i wont send dick pics scouts honour send me ur snap babe.

#Box 8: Resplendent Richard, 65, Oxfordshire

  • Hobbies: Basking in the glory of one’s many acres of land
  • Ambitions: To expand upon one’s many acres of land with many more acres of land
  • Looking for: Acres of land

Salutations! One is Richard, a fine gentleman from the superior region of this majestic land pertaining to Oxfordshire, thus, Oxford.

Golly, one was not anticipating “online dating” in the year of 2023. Alas, one’s wife of former elegance eloped to Paris with a wealthier gentlemen in the ownership of acres of land in excess of oneself. That rotter also has servants and slaves… one is falling behind in one’s dallying with the finer things in society.

One must push on in 2023 and add at least 20 acres of land to one’s portfolio. Do you, fair maiden, have such entities? One does not mind if your appearance is of the utmost grotesque repulsion, one is merely looking to capitalise on one’s fortune.

You may enter into this investment opportunity, so long as you sit quietly in a corner whilst knitting and saying very little. One is a very busy man and one does not behold “spare time” in any capacity. Thoughts?

#Box 9: Council Tax Callum, 20, Leicester

  • Hobbies: Paying me council tax
  • Ambitions: To pay me council tax
  • Looking for: Someone to pay me council tax

Heya I’m not here dating I just need someone to help pay me council tax so get in touch and then hurry up with that I’m in arrears. Cheers!

#Box 10: Topless Tony, 21, London

  • Hobbies: Posing topless everywhere, lifting weights, lifting heavy stuff, grunting
  • Ambitions: Get on the cover of Time with me top off
  • Looking for: Someone to organise me shit

All right? I’m Topless Tony I spend 50 hours a week in the gym lifting shit. Result? I’m ripped to shit and women is gagging for it!

But I’m not into shallow bitches. I’m into posing topless. Whenever I can, I rip me shirt off, gob on the floor, and strut about owning the joint. You name it, I do it. Buying some fags from Tesco? Off comes the top and I strut out of there. Bowling with the mates? The top comes off! Go-karting with the mates? The top is off! At a funeral? I’m there with me top off looking buff.

So you better shut your trap and respect that. I’m a topless kinda guy and if you can’t keep your hands off me I’ll be like, “Bitch! I ain’t just eye candy! I got ambitions! I got goals! I got to be on the cover of Time magazine!” Send me your snap if interested.

NO TIME WASTERS! NO FAKES! NO NIGERIAN MONEY SWINLDERS! I KNOW YOUR GAME! I DON’T WANT THAT SHIT! I’LL RIP MY TOP OFF FOR ANY TIME WASTING POS!!

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