Agony Aunt: “Why is my husband drinking aftershave?”

Your husband DRINKS aftershave

Whilst it’s fair to say many human males enjoy a beer or two, it’s also fair to say the occasional heathen will indulge in aftershave.

This isn’t clever, sound, or wise. It may make your breath smell a bit better for a while but, ultimately, it’s going to do something weird to you.

Luckily, we’re here to help today’s damsel in distress as she challenges her husband’s idiotic behaviour.

Drinking Aftershave Responsibly

Dear agony aunt. Get this... my husband, is drinking AFTERSHAVE. He thinks it'll make his breath smell great, which it sort of does. But he's not adding two and two together with what the aftershave is doing to him.

He's got jaundice and has turned yellow, plus he keeps puking up, and he's listless and weary and refuses to pay me any compliments.

I've told him to stop drinking the goddamn aftershave, but he says it's not that why would that do anything to him, it MUST be my cooking! Yeah, right, of course it's that delicious Sunday roast dinner I cooked up for him on Friday night. It's not the aftershave, it's the ROAST POTATOES and GRAVY! This man is driving me NUTS!

So I called a doctor in when my husband was laying splayed out, prone in bed while sipping at aftershave. The doctor immediately told him to stop doing that, or it could kill my husband. He'd stopped talking by this point, so over the next 45 minutes slowly scrawled out this note on a piece of paper. He feebly handed it to me and I handed it over to the doctor. It said this:

"this is a conspiracy. get out of my house you no good bastard and do not ever come back. also jenny can you get me more aftershave from the co-op ta very much and some paracetamol for the nausea cheers"

The doctor left in a huff and warned me again about my husband's fate if he continued on with the "stupidity". So what I did was I went to the Co-Op, sure enough, and bought some aftershave. I cleared that bottle all out and filled it up with life-preserving ORANGE JUICE for the vitamin C kick.

Did this trick work?! No, my husband saw right through it and is now filing for divorce, while bedridden, because of my "deceit" and how I'm responsible for his illness! 

God! Any suggestions? Yours, Jenny

Hi there Jenny. That was a terrible thing you just did. No human female should ever dupe a man out of drinking his most beloved aftershave.

You may not like what your husband is doing to himself. And you may have issues with how it’ll kill him outright.

But it is NOT your place to interfere!

Ever!

Despite the severity of what you’ve done, which in a more civilized society should warrant a jail sentence for yourself, there’s still a chance to salvage the situation.

We suggest you apologise profusely to your husband about the orange juice, buy him a multi-pack of his favourite aftershave brand, then administer it to his prone state as and when he needs a slurp of the stuff.

This way, you may save your marriage.

No guarantees, though, as you’ve really messed that whole situation up to be honest. If he cops it, just remember with future boyfriends and husbands to NEVER get in the way of him and his aftershave. You have been warned.

4 comments

  1. This would make a lot more sense if one shaved inside their body.
    Crazy, but I have seen people drinking after shave. I’m surprised, actually. With the cost of grooming products so high, some good cheap alcohol would be more economical.

    Liked by 1 person

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