Alongside sneezing at work, employees clearing their (respective) throats in the working environment can be disruptive and create barriers around appropriate productivity.

Members of staff who clear their throat (via coughing etc.) during working hours are not working. They are clearing their throat, as opposed to performing their duties as you pay them to.

Such a disgusting display of insubordination must be punished. As such, continue reading yet another one of our tedious employment law guides that’ll hammer your employees into good working order.

The Perfection of the Business World’s Throat Clearing Act

As with 99.99% of employment law legislation, The Clearing Throats at Work Act 1974 was established in 1974 and has been left untouched for the last 50 years. Such is its bureaucratic perfection.

Indeed, amongst the 37,001 employment law Acts present in the UK, The Clearing Throats at Work Act 1974 is the one most employment lawyers believe to be the Act of absolute perfection—the magnum opus of workplace doctrines.

On August 1st of each working year, employment lawyers from across the land congregate in London’s Covent Garden to toast the Act with champagne and delicious nibbles (caviar, quiche etc.). And all other Acts (1974 or otherwise) aim to match the near impossible standards The Clearing Throats at Work Act 1974 etc.

Comprehending the Complicated Paralanguage of Throat Clearances

Throat clearing at work is a complex matter. One that communicates far more than the need to clear one’s throat of a blockage or other irritation.

For example, an employee may perform a throat clearance to draw attention to something. This could be anything. Stuff like:

• A pig they have hidden under their desk
• Stolen goods from your utility closet
• Someone’s sandwich nabbed from the canteen

To do so, they may perform a much louder and more exaggerated throat clearance. Akin to an angry mother chastising her young child about not setting fire to the sofa.

In turn, you chastise any bastard whom dares do such a thing. Simple it is your business and, due to your duty of care as an employer (i.e. to be a jackass), YOU make the rules and everyone else obeys them.

Case Study: The Throat Clearance That Destroyed a Business Empire

Jeff (not his real name) was running a successful small business in Bolton of Greater Manchester delivering cheese to local’s doors. One day, his latest employee, Paul, began work.

Paul was a hard worker with a heart of gold (apart from a rampant streak of casual bigotry towards minority groups) who dutifully voted Conservative at every election to stave off the horrors of communism.

However, Paul also had a habit of clearing his throat before delivering the cheese.

Some local customers thought this was a bit off. As if he had something to hide. Maybe he was one of them gays!? Maybe he was a socialist!? Whatever was going on, all the customers cancelled their orders and Jeff (remember, not his real name) had to shut down the business and turned to a life of hardcore drugs.

This is a cautionary tale. Don’t let this happen to your business empire!

The Throat Clearing-Based Solution: Don’t Let Weaklings Destroy Your Greedy Goals

Success in modern capitalism is dependent on minimum disruption. As such, it’s good business practice to ensure throat clearing is BANNED from the workplace.

Highlight this in your company handbook. Indicate that, should your employees desperately need to clear their throat (for example, if it’s a national emergency to do so), then they must do so outside. Thus, and as previously indicated and about to be reiterated and emphasised, enforce the following strategy:

• Staff members go outside the premises every time they wish to clear their throat
• Establish throat clearing shelters (ideally next to your smoking shelters) to encourage this activity
• Hire security guards to aggressively enforce this policy

The sight of dozens of hapless employees being frogmarched outside to throat clearing shelters is the ultimate achievement of capitalism. That trudge, even if it takes 10 minutes per throat clearing session (and is subsequently followed by another session moments later as the same employee needs to clear their throat once again as the first time didn’t quite do it), is the key to staggering levels of mesmerising productivity.

Happy employees are at their least happy when you’re forcing them through mindless red tape, which is why this policy is so superb.

Enforce it today to skyrocket your retention rates in the worst possible direction. It’s all in the name of power and wealth, complemented by banishing THROAT CLEARING (🤬🤬🤬🤬!!!!!) once and for all from the beautiful perfection of the capitalist arena of meritocratic utopia.