There comes a time in any human male’s life where ketchup is super important. At this stage, they will slather everything they eat and drink in the stuff.

This can be alarming for human females, especially ones whom are emotionally attached to the human male (i.e. boyfriend, husband, and/or man baby annoyance). Today’s dame has such a problem but, thankfully, agony aunt is here to save the bloody day.

Ketchup: Destroyer of Relationships and Harbinger of Doom

Dear agony aunt,

My boyfriend is a “Ketchup Dickhead”. This is the term I looked up, women like me use it to describe boyfriends/husbands with an obsessive use of ketchup all over their food, which my boyfriend does, because he’s a Ketchup Dickhead. Signs and symptoms of this disorder are:

• Using ketchup all over their food
• Being a dickhead about it
• Hence, Ketchup Dickhead

Naturally, I’ve challenged him about this. He threw a wobbler and accused me of being a “feminist” and stormed out of the flat and slammed the door and went out for a burger. Being a petulant prick that he is, he sent me a WhatsApp with a picture of the burger with loads of ketchup all over it:

“babe i covered it in ketchy luk itz sow tasty lol roflmao loool”

That’s when I realised I’m dating a man baby. So I sent him a WhatsApp picture back of me throwing all of his stuff out of the flat window into the street below, which I then BURNED TO THE GROUND with a can of petrol and a lighter. I sent him a video of all that lot burning away.

We then had a raging argument over the phone about me doing that, but I put him in his place by screaming at the top of my lungs that he’s a Ketchup Dickhead and eating all his food (cornflakes, Pot Noodles, burgers, sushi etc.) covered in the stuff is ridiculous, stupid, moronic, immature, dumb, and that he’s a stupid man. In return, he raged against me being a “feminist lunatic” and that me burning all his stuff was against the law and he was “gonna call the cops on me, woman!”

Well, it turns out me burning all his stuff is against the law, as the local police department have confirmed.

My boyfriend has dumped me and is pressing charges. I have countered this by pressing charges against him for being a Ketchup Dickhead. My solicitor has said it’s an unusual case to claim for, but will “invent” a load of stuff to make me look like that victim.

Thoughts?

Yours,

Alexandria

Hi there, Alexandria. Not being solicitors, we can’t help with that side of things. But we do agree the ketchup issue is DISGUSTING (😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡) and you didn’t go far enough by burning all of his belongings. You should have stolen his wallet, too, and used it to buy loads of healthier alternatives, such as, but not limited to:

• Houmous
• Guacamole
• Low fat houmous
• Wholegrain mustard

That kind of thing. However, and alas, it’s too late for all that now. You went full arson and obliterated his belongings. We’re not legal experts, Alexandria, but you’re going to prison for at least 1,000 years (100 years for every innocent sock eliminated).

You only have yourself to blame…