How To Survive 4 Really Dangerous Threats No One Ever Told You About.

No durians, dammit! Luckily you don’t get fined for it, but you would lose them to THE AUTHORITIES all the same. How dare they!

“WHAT THE HELL, MR. WAPOJIF?!?! The picture’s on the other side of the screen to normal!” Rather, dear readers, for, you see, danger can strike you at the most unexpected of moments. Indeed, after he read over an article entitled “What to do when you encounter dangerous animals” today our very own Mr. Wapojif could but only scoff in disgust. “Pfffffffffffftttt!” he hissed, before punching one of his staff members (Truman Trumanson) violently in the face. You see, the article just wasn’t very factual, Mr Wapojif felt. And he still feels it. Indeed, having spent numerous years contemplating what it would be like having to face a wild and dangerous animal, Mr. Wapojif now considers himself an expert on such matters. True, he’s never actually come under attack from any dangerous stuff (being in Manchester the worst we get are chavs, and their abnormal stupidity makes it easy to run rings around them), although a Canadian Goose hissed at him recently. And office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf hamster  is quite savage at times… but other than that no bears, great white sharks, or rampaging nuclear warheads.

Regardless, Mr. Wapojif is still an EXPERT on life and all its perils. Pay heed to his mighty man knowledge and it could well save your wife one day! And your life, too. Hindeed, Mr. Motivator, hindeed! So, once he got to thinking he realised he could instil some of his life knowledge into you about avoiding the more dreaded scenarios which could potentially face you. Potentially. We don’t mean to alarm anyone; the next time you leave a doorway there isn’t likely to be a 10ft Grizzly Bear with a chainsaw revving away. We just want YOU to be PREPARED for any unexpected incidents, good sir/madam.

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An Aardvark Invasion

The most dangerous creatures on Earth? Probably.
The most dangerous creatures on Earth? Probably.

Aardvarks are a persistent problem, let’s face it. Wherever we move in Manchester there’s a horde of this lot blocking the road or leering at us. Rumour has it there’s an impending invasion… if this is the case you’ll need your official Aardvark Assuager. It’s a type of gun you can buy from your local supermarket – it’s loaded with around 400lbs of semtex for added effect. This should force back the hordes of bloodthirsty beasts as they sweep through your local town bent on death and domination!

Now some critics have observed setting off this thing would be more dangerous than the invasion itself, and that the invasion is also the invention of a maniac. Mr. Wapojif resents, and denies, all accusations.

A Surge Of Killer Haggi

Ladies and gentlemen - haggis.
Ladies and gentlemen – haggis.

Yes, we do mean Haggi (it’s the plural of Haggis). Now a lot of foods these days get sprayed with all manner of pesticides and other such guff to ward of insects such as dragons, monitor lizards, and Godzilla. All of the aforementioned are a chronic source of neurosis for your average muck spreader. So once the pesticides have been used the sheep eat the contaminated stuff, and presto hey, when it comes to the unfortunate Haggis creation time the meal turns into a gargantuan 50ft killer food stuff. The horror! How do you deal with this? With a plate and cutlery, of course! The Haggi can’t move very fast so just consume at your leisure. Side effects of excessive haggis consumption are as follows; hallucinations of Santa Claus, a desire to bath in marmite, the urge to remove one’s teeth with a flamethrower, incessant use of the word “umbrages!”, and a 35 year coma (during which you will snore incessantly, and be informed so upon your waking, creating colossal embarrassment).

The Popularity Of Rap Music

"I is rap. I rap 'bout fings, innit. Bling. I da hard man. Aiiieee. Uh oh... I gotta go pee pee... where da toilat? Uh oh.... gonna pee in my pants! Oohhh.... ****ing **** **** **** ****ing MOFO! YOLO ma ass!"
“I is rapper. I rap ’bout fings, innit. Bling. I da ‘ard man. Aiiieee. Uh oh… I gotta go pee pee… where da toilat? Uh oh…. gonna pee in ma pants! Oohhh…. ****ing **** **** **** ****ing MOFO! YOLO ma ass!”

The scourge of the Seven Seas (and the airwaves) is, and has been for two decades, rap music. Known to most intelligent human beings as “that **** awful racket”  it is, nonetheless, the music of choice for any male in need of macho posturing. Cue huge amounts of time spent in the gym, superfluous swearing, misogyny, gun toting, and awful clothes. Oh yeah, then there’s the horror of the music. So how does one deal with a world where one of the most popular contemporary forms of music is rap? Simple – ridicule the stupid buggers!

Sandwiches With No Margarine On

Stock up on butter so you never run out of sandwich spread! Disguise it as soup/liquid drinks if you have to - those scumbag cooporate bstds won't get you!
Stock up on butter so you never run out of sandwich spread! Disguise it as soup/liquid drinks if you have to – those scumbag cooporate bstds won’t get you!

You can Substitute! Me for him. Substitute! My coke for gin. Subtitute the margarine bit for mayonnaise/butter/peanut butter/houmous – whatever takes your fancy. The shocking truth is there are sandwiches out there that DON’T have any type of spread on them at all! If this isn’t horrifying enough, these things are being labelled as normal sandwiches and you simply have stuff the dry sandwich into your hungry face… or die of starvation. You see – this is the very worst of capitalism in action. So what’s the solution? Well, stupid readers, just make the sandwiches yourself and layer up on all the butter you want! HUZZAH!

5 comments

    • Mercy buckets! We try very hard at keeping it looking as mad as possible. To do so I, Mr. Wapojif, drink 3 litres of Beetroot Juice per day to keep an insane burst of energy on the go.

      Like

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