We’ve been on the lookout for particularly stodgy comfort foods which border on the appalling. We’re happy to report we can get things rolling with this glorious can of evil: Baked Beans with Pork Sausages in a rich tomato sauce. Quite how rich we’re not sure, but probably on the Bill Gates scale of things given the Heinz Beanz brand of filth we have here.

It’s not the worst breakfast in a tin food we’ve ever come across (boy, will we be looking for the worst one we can find), but it’s a great place to get started. Want to do some damage to your health? Here’s a fantastic place to start! It’s sugary, salty, beans based, fake sausages in a tin. Hurray, let’s tuck in!

Heinz Baked Beans with “Pork” Sausages

As we all know, most sausages are about as sausage based as sausage dogs. The latter are officially 99.9% dog and 0.01% door stop. Note, absolutely no room for sausage in there. The golden rule of fantastic marketing is, of course, to lie like a SOB. Why not? Consumers are clueless and gullible, which is why so many people are getting fed up with TV and online ads and simply ignoring them.

Admittedly, we’ve tried one of these for real! ’twas back in our student days and it seemed like an obvious, cheap, simple answer to some big hunger problems. The result? It’s baked beans with some strange sausage type things. To first understand the sausages we must understand what represents the sausages, so we have drawn together the ingredients list.

Beans Ahoy!

Here’s the ingredients list in full for all of you seeking a way in life:

Beans (33%), tomatoes (31%), pork sausages (15%, Pork 55% - what the rest is we’ve no idea… glue, perhaps) water, pea starch, salt, spices, emulsifier, triphisphates, sugar, spirit vinegar, modified cornflour, spice extracts, and herb extract.

Rather. You’ll note here the rather concise information about the sausages. Apparently, they are pork. It’s just they’re only 55% pork. 15% is something else, and then the rest is a mystery. Unless it’s the following lot of pea starch and triphosphates, but then we don’t understand what those words mean.

Thankfully, at least the humble bean represents 33% of this tin and for this we can pat Heinz on the back for not freaking us out too much.

Heinz Baked Beans

Baked beans are a national treasure in the UK. They are as British as the Queen and football riots. Without baked beans we would all be lost. This is why The Who, in 1967, wrote the above song about baked beans, as part of their concept album The Who Sell Out. It’s only a shame they didn’t write a sequel about Heinz Bakez with Pork Sausages.

One does have to wonder about the sausage element, though. Surely one is legally obliged to have the meat to crap ratio above a certain limit – we guess it’s the 55% mark. Oh well, if you’re looking to gain weight in time for summer then we can highly recommend this tin of badness. Hurray!