Exclusive Recipe: Baked Bean on Toast (for dieters)

Baked bean on toast
That’s enough of that! There’s only room for one of those bad boys.

If you’re British, beans on toast is a national institution. Baked beans are up there with the Queen, wearing a monocle, tipping one’s hat respectably, curtseying, despising fellow Brits if they so much as live on the other side of the street as you (because being different is evil), and indulging in football riots. What happens if you want to diet, though?

Thankfully, we’ve come up with a cost-effective way of ensuring you can lose weight healthily whilst enjoying your favourite foods. Indeed, with bean on toast you have the ultimate way to shed off the pounds – you’ll also save a lot of money as you gradually work your way through a baked beans tin, one beet at a time.

Bean on Toast

To make this recipe, you’ll need a tin of baked beans and some bread. If you have a device which is able to teleport individual beans from within the tin to outside of the tin, this will stand you in particularly good stead. If you don’t have such a contraption, you’re going to have to open the tin of beans.

You can simply leave your tin of beans open on your nearest kitchen work surface. You will notice, as the weeks pass on by, it begins to fester with mould and generally gather with dust, insects, and possibly the odd rat. Never fear – those little beets will be perfectly edible for up to two months! That’s what preservatives do for the world, y’all! However, so much as one day after that two month period, if you eat a bean you will spontaneously combust with a pathetic gurgle. You’ve been warned.

Anyway, to make bean on toast you need to whack your bread into a toaster and turn it on with gusto. Next, obtain a pan and slam it on your hob with considerable violence. Get the hob roaring away at full heat and then drop your one bean into the pan. Blast the thing to within an inch of its life for a good 120 seconds – let it catch fire, if you must, but don’t forget to season it with black pepper.

Gosh, This Sounds Appetising!

It bloody well is, too! With what’s left of your utterly decimated baked bean, tip it onto the toast you’ve heated up and slathered with jam (or whatever). Voila – baked bean on toast! Obviously, it’s more akin to eating some toast than having baked beans on toast, but that solitary bean will fill you with nourishment and general glee.

Afterwards, within about 40 minutes, once the hunger pangs begin to seriously kick in, we recommend you take a good hard, long look at that tin of beans you’ve opened – those slimy things inside must fulfill their destiny, but only a day at a time! Are you with us, comrade? It’s the only way to lose weight. Emaciation awaits!


  1. I came here looking for a link to your new book review on Moonshake Books, but I am sidetracked with bean & Agony, etc. OH… I see a cat post coming up! Yay!


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