Seditious spaghetti faces severe recriminations after some got entangled in Prince William’s feet and caused him to smash face first into the ground yesterday. As he recovers in hospital, the UK’s Food Standards Agency stepped in to label spaghetti the most “obnoxious food in the world” amidst calls to “bring back hanging” from outraged right wingers.
Stiff Upper Lip
Thousands of patriotic Brits flooded the streets in rancorous dismay and disgust to call for the incarceration of all spaghetti makers. This was in between floods of tears for Prince William’s predicament, along with demands he have a wig grafted to his skull to cover up his male pattern balding. The Queen made a public statement yesterday which went as follows:
"Citizens of England! For too long spaghetti has cursed our existence with its capricious might. But I say to the objectionable fiend spaghetti the following: we will not go quietly into the night. We will not varnish without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today... is our independence day!"
Professional Moron contacted numerous high positioned industry insiders about the fiasco, including: Honda, Apple, Google, Nintendo, Steven Spielberg, Oliver Reed, Kellogs, and Hermann Göring. Several declined to comment, whilst several others did not respond.
Spaghetti’s Crimes
According to the Food Standards Agency, spaghetti has many crimes to answer for. These range from extremely serious to almightily serious and could warrant all spaghetti be jailed for a combined total of 300,000 years should the lawsuit come to fruition. Here are but a few of spaghetti’s misdeeds:
- Being too difficult to eat
- Being physically analogous to worms which, for some people, has proven nauseating
- Making people gain weight
- Taking too long to boil in a pan
- Being disgusting to eat if not cooked at all (i.e. a lack of convenience)
- Sparking off violent turf wars between itself and noodles
- Sedition (i.e. plotting the demise of the Royal Family)
- Remaining silent on all of the above matters and refusing to adapt to modern demands
Spaghetti awaits its court hearing, which will commence in the early months of January and will continue unabated until British society has the death penalty reinstated. This is, in part, to stop the perpetual, bloodthirsty calls of right wingers clogging tabloid comments sections.
Professional Moron, just before going to press, learnt the British Armed Forces will be on a state of alert this evening in the event of any spaghetti bolognese dinners becoming destructive. Field Marshal Sir Thomas Blamey said: “Don’t blame me if this goes wrong, but in the event of untoward spaghetti behaviour, dowse your kitchen in petrol, set it on fire, and flee to higher ground.” More news to follow.
I am very grateful that we are finally bringing attention to the malice that is Spaghetti. For too long we’ve lived in fear of it.
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My thoughts exactly. Spaghetti is one of the most appalling fiends in the history of the world and, thusly, must it be established. Thank you for your insightful feedback.
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I’ll miss Spaghetti. Prince William, not so much.
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Perhaps Willbo could fashion the spaghetti on his head as a type of wig. That’d be fun.
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Sadly, it could be put to good use. Sir Harry is also not living up to his moniker.
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I think you’ll find Sir Harry is better know as Sir Hoodlum.
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So cute though, and isn’t he settling down with his new girlfriend?
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As far as I’ve heard, Sir Hoodlum is getting married to Harry Belafonte and it will be glorious.
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Oh! I hope I am invited, I will bring spaghetti.
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Cripes, I ate spaghetti tonight! So what the %^$&!!! I like spaghetti. I make my own homemade sauce, for your info.
Poem:
The Queen is like spaghetti, you
See she’s through the
Sieve of modernity’s maternity.
‘Twixt Harry’s snare, and
William’s hair(less) hair
We’re left in a hail
Of confetti.
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Nothing beats homemade sauce, apart from gnomemade sauce. Plus, cake with baked beans on it.
Thank you for the poem. Here is a haiku:
Spaghetti is long,
So is string,
I saw a hippo.
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OMG!!! Your haiku is fabulous!
Have you published a recipe for gnomemade sauce? It sounds like it’s made from fresh garden ingredients.Yummo!
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Gnomemade soup is as follows:
Cement,
Concrete,
Salt,
Wheatgerm.
It’s pretty decent.
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Sounds very filling & stick to your teeth. Do you have a special dentifrice for this type of cuisine?
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No. I promote a gung-ho attitude – go in and hope for the best.
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