Exclusive Invention: The Door Candle (a warmer door handle)

Door Candles
Much more effective when nailed to a door.

Fork handles? No, we’re on about door knobs here and, being an extremely mature website, Professional Moron admonishes anyone childish enough to snigger at the adjective “knob”. Why? As we’re on about door handles, which we feel to be pathetically outdated in the contemporary world! Those goddamn things need a makeover.

This is why we’ve invented the door candle, which merges the fascinating world of flammable wax with good old fashioned handles. Everyone likes to get a handle on something – whether it’s a sandwich, some heathen during a football riot, or a door handle, handling stuff is perverted but essential to existence. Door candles make the experience all the warmer, which is great for Brits such as us living in constant doom and gloom.

The Door Candle

It’s a simple premise, admittedly. Take a door handle and replace the handle with a candle. What’s the purpose of this? Well, what’s the purpose of anything, you idiot? It’s an invention, it’s awesome, and it’ll save you from having to have light switches near your doorways.

Granted, when lit, the door candle will dribble wax all over your carpet, but then you’re shedding skin cells all over the place all the time and you don’t consider this to be a nuisance, do you? Foolish human! Just ignore the wax or, if you’re creative, sculpt it into a statue of something to brighten up your generic home.

The door candle does much more than just light stuff up – it’s hooked up to a petrol driven motor on the other side of the door and this ensures a constant flame is maintained on the door candle. Indeed, you’ll never be able to not see with this little beauty! It burns 24/7, even up to the point the candle runs out of wax and your door bursts into flames!

As such, it’s wise to have some CCTV around with multiple fire alarms to warn you in the event of a catastrophic fire. Indeed, be alert, door candle owner, as your life is in your hands when you take on the brilliance of this invention!

Opening Stuff

In the great tradition of being a human being, opening things is part of your existence. You do it all the time and the door candle facilitates this with immense gusto – seize the candle and, ignoring the burning sense of agony, jerk the door open and grin inanely as you see the glorious nature of your other room in thine eyes.

Whilst this may sound unnecessarily whimsical, as well as unnecessarily flammable, rest assured you’ll be safe so long as you never fall asleep. Yes, jam a load of drugs into your system, stock up on Red Bull, and spend all day and night in a paranoid frenzy about those lovely door candles you purchased from us in good faith. Modern consumerism at its finest!


  1. The whole catastrophic fire thing is not a problem. Here in the world of film making, we simply fire proof everything with this stuff we get from the SFX guys. Granted, it does leave a weird surface on everything coated in it, and everything is stiff as an old naugahyde dipped in varnish. However, you’ll save money on the drugs you won’t have to buy!


Dispense with some gibberish!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.