The ~ and chilli communities are in uproar this evening as jalapeños have been renamed as jalapenos by official decree. This upheaval follows global government agreements that most people are too lazy to type in the ~ bit. However, the disastrous, knock-on effect of this change is potential mass unemployment for the ~s of the world.
For centuries, the ~ (a tilde, as it is known) has accompanied jalapeños through successfull business and foodstuff ventures. This is now under threat, with an estimated 300,000 million job losses. Despite this, critics have stated there are 26 other Spanish letters the ~ can find work in, although others have concerns this could trigger off gentrification and overpopulation in currently occupied tilded words.
The diacritical marks community has condemned the move. Each year, hundreds of millions of them make a living by adorning key letters in, for example, marketing materials. As more and more people get lazy with, like, language and stuff, so their need is diminished.
The International Diacritical Marks Organisation (IDMO) is headed through its spokesmarks, esteemed Drs. ~, ´, ˆ, and ¯. In an official press release they stated to the world’s media, verbatim:
"This is wrong. Plain wrong. Yours, Drs. ~, ´, ˆ, and ¯."
After this announcement, tildes gathered in cities across the world to protest. Their anthem soon became a reworked version of the Jeff Buckley classic (itself an adaptation) Hallelujah. To the tune of “Jalalujah” (ironically missing out the tilde in the process), there were emotional scenes as jalapeños and tildes united alike. Fellow diacritical marks, such as circumflex accents, joined forces to challenge the shift.
Government officials remain unrepentant. The private school educated Conservative party of the United Kingdom, for example, issued a statement stating the following stated statements: “If jalapenos are poor, they should work harder.” The tildes responded, indicating they often work 24/7 shifts for 365 days a year on minimum wage. The Conservatives rebutted this with dubious propaganda about cucumber sandwiches and cheap burger meat, confounding many.
Concert of Diacritical Marks
The Red Hot Chilli Peppers soon stood up to tyranny – their announcement of hosting the Concert of Diacritical Marks in Hyde Park of London was met with a wave of anticipation. At the January 2019 event, to support the cause, the only food available will be jalapeños. Planned activism will include:
- A 300 foot billboard with a giant “Jalapeños” boldly imprinted across the centre.
- An official new song from the famous band called “Jalapeños” to honour the tildes. It features lyrics such as: “Jalapeños don’t need no casino, ‘cos they’re latino, not bambino, and currently aren’t supported by Al Pacino (for shame).”
- There will be an aerial homage – a plane will skywrite “Jalapeños” in 500 foot letters across London, as well as drop crates of the chillies from the sky.
- The Nobel Prize winning Dr. ~ will offer a speech to support the tildes of the world, although will not donate any of his $300 million fortune to charity. In a statement, he said: “I appreciate this may appear hypocritical and miserly, but I have a family of tildes to get through university, which will cost like $400,000… and I’m saving for a yacht. I simply can’t spare a penny. It’s a mark of the times. Yeah? No? Okay, topical humour isn’t going down well right now, I’ll refrain from this in future.”
- Anyone suffering with burns in their mouth will receive a complimentary jalapeño smoothie to, possibly, cool their gob.
As we went to press, it appears the tildes of Manchester, England, are rioting across the city centre. They have taken to “destroying with great menace” any restaurants they lay their curvatures on. They have adopted the chant “Tildes will **** you up!” and police have urged citizens to remain indoors until order is restored.
The Conservative party also quelled concerns with the announcement the British army, armed with water cannons, is in place to “annihilate” the “tilde scum” (hyperbolic invective used in the Daily Mail tabloid). Once dead, it’s believed the corpses of the ~ will get stuffed into a cupboard for potential use in political propaganda at a later date.