Tea is much more our thing, but we don’t judge coffee drinkers. We just think they’re vastly inferior as human specimens. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take a closer look at coffee, what it is, why it smells like that, why it’s so goddamn popular, and how come it’s black instead of pink.
What is coffee?
It’s a drink made from coffee beans. The latter are pulverised with a mallet. This (the beans, not the mallet) mush type substance then has boiling hot water thrown over it.
Okay. Sounds stupid.
It is stupid.
So you, like, just then drink the mushed up beans?
Yeah. Coffee drinkers add various things to the mix to make it palatable, like sugar, salt, pepper, cinnamon, almond milk, or dust.
Who invented this abomination?
Starbucks. As you can see from that propaganda video, the above type of coffee provides “twice the go”. If you have 17 of those at once, that’s… 34 times the go! Imagine what you could achieve on that. Except that comedown takes three weeks to overcome – you have to go to hospital and they hook you up to a withdrawl machine. Some people don’t make it.
So Who’s to blame for all this coffee horror story stuff?
Well, Starbucks. But 1990s TV shows like Friends, Frasier, Ally McBeal, and Forrest Gump are also to blame. They made people think it’s cool. When it is not.
Huh. So what are its health benefits?
None. Coffee merely functions as a legal version of cocaine.
It’s a stimulant? What’s so stimulating about it? That doesn’t sound at all healthy.
Caffeine is the stimulant. It isn’t healthy, which is why all coffee drinkers have their knuckles dragging on the floor, communicate through grunts, and lash out violently if they’re denied their precious cappuccino.
Oh yeah, so what is a cappuccino then?
Hollywood acting legend Al Pacino explains in the above video.
Christ… I’ll steer Clear of that stuff, i think. But what about an espresso?
It’s like an extra strong shot of coffee. Some people, after consuming an espresso, are seen attemtping to scale buildings with their bare hands and teeth. They get a bit hyperactive, you see. They’re a complete danger to society.
What about doppio?
It’s for dope addicts and general dopes (i.e. dumb people).
What about ristretto?
This is the coffee for stiletto wearing women. It’s provided in a long, thin cup that ensures the human female doesn’t lose her balance when picking up the coffee.
What? Haven’t you noticed the pattern we’re taking here?
The pattern of discussing coffee? Yes. We had an inkling at the start of this FAQs session.
Right… so what about macchiato?
That one is coffee made out of matches.
Are you making this up as you go along?
How dare you challenge our coffee expertise!? Why, in 2018 alone we’ve had zero cups of coffee!
What’s that?! You’re mocking us now?! Give us one good reason why we shouldn’t get the chainsaws out!
No! Look, the mocha coffee type. What is it, since you’re the experts and all that…
Getting sarcastic, eh? Lay off the caffeine, kid, it’s making you mentally unstable. But in response to your question, a mocha has nothing to do with mockery.
Okay… I know it doesn’t, it’s a drink.
So why did you ask us then!?
I… forget it. moving on, I’ve always wanted to know what an affogato is.
Good for you. Maybe you should have asked someone else by now, eh?
We’ll have you know we’ve had people jailed for less slanderous invective!
[Deep sigh] I don’t know why I turn up here every week for these things. We always end up arguing! It’s enough to make me want to tear my hair out! Why are you always this infuriating!? WHY?!?!
Would you like a herbal tea to calm down? We can recommend mint and nettle.