Having a boyfriend can be fun. Whilst they smell bad and are stupid, you can at least use them as a mobile wallet to buy things such as cushions.

Unfortunately, the human male is sometimes broken and doesn’t like these denizens of the humble sofa. Here’s how to fix that.

Cushions

Whaddup? I wouldn't describe myself as a girly girly as I once punched an old woman in the face for looking at me funny. But I do like cushions. They make my soul and sofa complete.

Sadly this isn't a state of affairs my dickhead of a boyfriend, Andy, agrees with. He says cushions are a "waste of space", "too expensive", and "a bit stupid, really".

You can't quite get the extent of my insane rage over his statements. I mention cushions to him at least once a week and he variates between those three responses each time. WTF!?

So far I've let this anger manifest within, where it bubbles away barely controlled like a malicious disease such as rabies. 

I fear if he says they're "a bit stupid, really" to me one more time I'll have to make him suffer. You know, jam a pair of pliers up his nostrils, slam his hand in my car door, "accidentally" undercook his chicken dinner etc. 

What do you reckon? Cushions mean a lot to me. Without them, I'm cushion (nothing). Regards, Jessica

Hi, Jessica. It’s important to remember the human male doesn’t see cushions in the same way a human female does.

The latter will consider it a chance to liven up an otherwise squalid or generic living room scene. You know, sofa with a TV facing it. Why wouldn’t you want some cushions on there?!

For the human male, the problem is it represents a threat to his masculinity. The cushion is what another man would represent would you be (or if you are) double dating on him.

Thusly, in the human male’s mind the cushion is a bastard SOB who’s better looking and more successful them him. It probably has a bigger penis, too! And that’s where the rage develops.

And as you’re so angry too, we’re now reaching a crescendo point where you two could soon be battering the living crap out of each other (ironically, cushions are pretty useful for that).

The question now is… who strikes first?

How to Strike First

Do you know that Supremes song? “Stop… in the name of love!” Well, you can think of this experience as, “STOP! In the name of cushions.”

Perhaps not as catchy, but you really shouldn’t let any human male dampen your enthusiasm for this soft, fetching, multi-coloured things that turn you day from a hellish nightmare into a more comfortable one.

The only solution to Andy’s cushion hatred it to humilate him.

Erect (lol) some stocks in your garden. If you don’t have a garden, erect (roflmao) them in somebody else’s garden.

Then the next time Andy criticises cushions, chloroform him and drag his unconscious body to the garden in cushion. Stick him into the stocks.

Once he comes to, bait him with insults and passive-aggressive asides until he breaks down on an emotional and/or physical level.

At that point, you can offer him a cushion to rest his precious snowflake head under.

A further week of such treatment and, once you release him, he’ll be so madly in love with cushions he’ll immediately marry one and get sent to an insane asylum.

Repeat this process with subsequent boyfriends until one is man enough to just relent and put up with your cushion fetish so you get to avoid all the other stuff. Problem solved.