The dating game is fraught with difficulties. Human females may want someone tall, dark, and handsome… but the odds are you’ll settle for one who’s short, pale, and upright.

Anyway, for the men out there here’s a selection of lovely ladies to whisk off their feet with dining, conversation, witty repartee, and semi-drunken leering.

Women Seeking Men

CorridorClaire: Greetings. I am Claire. My work is my life—I am a corridor designer. I was named Best Corridor Designer of the Year (2017) by Corridor Magazine. I live and breathe corridors—I even live in one, which I designed using my 15 years’ corridor designing experience. I also have a son, whom I named Corridor. I am currently directing a documentary about corridors—I am funding it using my life savings. I want a new husband to support this project. Failing that, I expect you to be my onset gaffer. Applications begin at once.

Urgh…: Just… urgh. I can’t even… urgh. My last boyfriend… urgh. I need a new one. But it’s making me want to… urgh. Just, if you have to, just… urgh. Contact me and then let’s have a date. Even though… urgh…

Where’sMyZero?: Most women are always looking for their “hero”. I’m not. I’ve ditched my hero and I’m looking for my zero. I need a lowlife piece of shit to add some excitement (or should that be, excrement?!) into my life. Cheating, boozing, gambling, sleazy behaviour… I want it all! Get in touch now, you disgusting bastard, for a life of arguments and bitterness.

DickheadDeirdre: Yep, me again. Still single. Been single a long time now. Because I’m a dickhead. Guys usually spend about two hours with me and then run for their goddamn lives. I can’t help it. Well, I mean, I could put some effort in to be less of a wanker. But that takes effort and I’m not really into that. Typing this out was enough, you know?

Skirts: I’m pro-feminine and anti-feminism, championing the very best of womanly behaviour. That includes giggling uncontrollably, wearing so much makeup it cakes my eyelids together, and beating the living shit out of any women who refuses to conform to traditional gender stereotypes. I also wear A LOT of skirts lol. Literally, like, every day of the year. Skirts, skirts, skirts, skirts! Lol they’ll be BURYING me in a skirt lol. Not that I believe in death for I know I’ll be reincarnated. As a SKIRT!

EmbarrassingConfessionWoman: Hello I would like to date but every time I laugh I blow massive snot bubbles from both my nostrils. If you can look past this cringe-inducing physical foible we can get married immediately.

ExperimentalEllen: I’m a genius with an IQ of 160. I need a specimen (i.e. a man) to test out my scientific experiments, principally whether he is able to survive with breast implants in his buttocks, lip botox in his laryngeal prominence (Adam’s apple), and liposuction in his ankles. I am hoping to sculpt my vision of the perfect man and present it to the scientific community, whereupon I shall await my Nobel Prize. Therefore, I am posing online in order to go on a date, lead the malleable male home to my apartment, and sellotape him to an operating table.

Bebe: Me Bebe. Me like men. Me want big squishy man bloke for hug, cuddle and punch when I are angry. Bebe also like RICH man who buy me many dresses, jewels and take me on holiday. But Bebe does not mind poor man if he EXTREMELY good looking ahhhhaaa hahhaaa hahahaahaaaaa. Bebe not like man with big feet.

Stephen: Professional Moron contacted me to contribute to this online dating special. But I’m neither single nor a woman. In fact, it’s come to my attention Professional Moron has been distributing my contact details, including my full address, to desperate male singletons online and the steady stream of them arriving at my house is starting to get a bit frustrating. Professional Moron, this is your last warning. If it happens a couple more times I’ll very nearly be getting annoyed!