Agony Aunt: “HELP! My husband sleepwalks!”

A sleeping walking model to the backdrop of the Moon
Go for it!

Sleepwalking is an unusual phenomenon. Normally when we sleep, we stay still and just snore really, really loudly.

But some weirdos get up and go for a walk. And today’s human female is very bloody unhappy about her husband’s habit.

Sleepwalking Husband

All right? Okay so I'm typing this after a fraught night. FRAUGHT! 

My husband, Dominic, is a piece of work! That fucker! But I love him, me. He's well fit. But he's not all bad. He once gave 20p to a tramp to, "Get the disgusting bastard away from me!" That's compassion, that is. 

But he has a disturbing secret I daren't not mention to no one (except your blog and its entire readership). 

He sleepwalks! That's right. I found out the first night I got on intimate terms with him. Which was our wedding night. 

We drifted off after that mediocre experience and then he just got up naked from bed and said, "Deirdre, I'm off t' Spain on a booze cruise!"

And he went on to amble on outside into the car, stark bollock naked, to go on the booze cruise to Spain. At 1 am! 

I said to meself, while watching from the bedroom window, "This ain't the time to be going on no booze cruise to Spain! It's nighttime!" 

Anyway, he didn't make it far before the police arrested him. He set off from Bolton and made it to Glasgow, reckoning that were the right directon to go. 

He said he had no memory of it, after. 

Anyway, that were last month. Since then there've been, like, 21 other incidents. These include, but aren't limited to:


- Attempting half a dozen more booze cruises, five to Spain and one to Belgium. 

- Going on a marathon raw onion dicing spree. It took me a week to use up all them diced onions, I'm now sick of the sight of spag bol! It used to be me favourite dish! But Dom ruined it for me! That's divorce worthy, that is!

- Sleep yodeling at random intervals, making it bloody difficult to fall asleep. 

- Sleep opera, interspersed with sleep yodeling, also making it bloody difficult to fall asleep.

- He went online and illegally purchased a bazooka off the black market. That arrived the other day and we're not sure what to do with it. 

- Carrots. Yeah, carrots! Turns out he'd dug a load of carrots into the garden in some sleepwalking fit months ago and then dug them all up again. All while doing bloody Bugs Bunny impressions like a loony!

And last night, he combined all of the above into one bloody nightmare of a night. Booze cruise, onion dicing, yodeling, opera, carrots, and then he set the bazooka off and demolished the neighbour's shed. 

I'm at me wits end! Help! Fiona

Hi, Fiona! Indeed, sleep is an unusual thing and can lead to many odd occurrences. Perhaps read our review of The Interpretation of Dreams for insightful insights.

Okay, plug over. Now onto the expert advice. Your husband is an immoral psychopath and you should divorce him immediately.

Sleepwalking was banned under the Anti-Sleepwalking and Snoring and Being Immoral Act 1974.

Who does he think he is thinking he can get away with it when the rest of us can’t get away with it? You’re right to complain. And here’s what you must do.

Chewing Gum & Earplugs

Buy a load of chewing gum and get some earplugs. Insert the earplugs into your ears (note, do not insert them into your nostrils or other orifices).

And have the chewing gum ready for nonchalant chewing opportunities.

As in, when your husband completes one of his sleepwalking endeavours then you can chew on the gum in a noisy sort of way. That’ll drown out the police warnings and make you look very cool.

Also, that weapon you’ve bought—turn it into a romance bazooka.

Otherwise, we’re all out of ideas. Namely because we gave your message about 10 minutes of consideration and then moved on to more important things.

7 comments

  1. Please…I sleep walk eat! This why I can’t have small containers of cleaning fluids in the home.
    #1 cookies
    #2 cigarettes
    #3 cat crunchies
    BUT no not me. I can’t stick to the prescribed sleepwalk eating standards.
    Condiments is my devil.
    I’m too, ashamed to go on……………

    Liked by 1 person

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