Agony Aunt: “My husband is a workaholic!”

A man multitasking very well, so he can't be wrong.
When you’re this good, how could you ever be wrong?

Men are famous for being male. And a lot comes with the territory, such as being a reply guy or resorting to mansplaining.

Some geezers are proper obsessed with work. They get to be all manly and show they’re better than everyone else. But what if that affects their marriage!? We’re here to help.

Helping Workaholics

Hello. My husband of 10 years, Kevin, is starting to infuriate me a little bit. It's nothing too bad. It's not like I'm getting pent up rage sessions (not many of them, anyway) or fantasising about making him suffer. Other than stabbing him in the head with a rolling pin. That'd teach the bastard!

Problem is, he's a workaholic. He runs a digital marketing business in Skegness and is hellbent on "acquiring assets" to "ideate within the spheres of delineation" and "Therefore, obfuscate the pipeline of deep dives and blue sky synergy."

I've no idea what he's on about, but his working hours are brutal. This was what he did last week:

- Mon: Up at 3am and worked a 20 hour shift, returning home high on energy drinks and harsh black coffee.
- Tue: Went to bed at 11:30pm on the Monday, but couldn't sleep. Set off for work at 1am and completed a 21 hour shift. Returned home clearly buzzing off narcotics and smelling of gin. 
- Wed: Didn't sleep at all and went into work at 12:01 am, working a 22 hour shift. Stumbled home ranting about "ideation", gave me a peck on the cheek, then immediately left for work again at 11:58 and 27 seconds. 
- Thurs: I received calls from his concerned employees about his, "Wild and incoherent behaviour, particularly his impassioned speeches about ideating about apricots. We don't have any clients pertaining to apricots. There's just a jam company, but strawberry... as opposed to apricots." Worried, I drove to work to see if I could intervene. My husband was in a bit of a state, drinking from several energy drinks at once, red eyed, and pretty delirious. He roared at me to, "Fuck off home, you bitch!" And so I went home and had a glass of wine.
- Fri: Husband didn't return home. I called work and was informed by the receptionist my husband was working a 24 hour "ideation shift". His plan, as I later read in his company-wide email, was to, "Get as much ideating done in one day as a year!" He also updated his business plan with a new mission statement: "To kill anyone who gets in my way." This alarmed several employees, who reported my husband to the police. They arrived and he, allegedly, attacked them with several copies of his newly printed mission statement. He's now in hospital on the addicts ward, with barbiturates weaning him off the caffeine overdose. 

I must say... I didn't expect married life to be like this. My husband is a staunch pro-capitalist and believes hard work to be the only thing worthwhile in life. He doesn't have any hobbies. He just likes bossing people about. But this is too much! I feel a strain on my marriage! What should I do!? Yours, Dolores

Hi, Dolores! Well, your husband is clearly a workaholic, but likely also has a strain of other issues. Including:

  • Borderline personality disorder
  • Psychopathy
  • Sociopathy
  • Delusions of grandeur
  • Buzzword addiction
  • Halitosis
  • Scurvy
  • Ingrowing toenail
  • The common cold
  • Gangrene
  • Petulance
  • Silly billy syndrome
  • Caffeine addiction
  • Conjunctivitis
  • Vitamin D deficiency

He’s displaying the type of behaviour a lunatic portrays. Do you understand? Your husband is no longer your husband.

He’s entered the realm of full blown workaholicism, which means he is now merely a slave to menial tasks that don’t really mean anything.

Our suggestion is you take him on holiday. You live in Skegness, so that’s a fantastic start—just head off to the local beach and slather yourselves in duck fat.

Then you can go for a swim. In those murky British waters, perhaps your husband will have an epiphany and join reality again.

Either that or he’ll get more illnesses from the polluted British seawater and plunge further into a pit of mania.

We’d say there’s a 50/50 shot either way, so worth a go, eh? Best of luck!

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