Human males are prone to sleep. Once they are asleep, human males often snore. Some others can hog the bed like total dickheads.

Truly, you’ve hit a low in life if your husband:

1. Snores aggressively.
2. Hogs the bed.

If this is your situation, as with today’s agony aunt victim, what is a human female to do? Well, we have the answer. But you’re not going to like hearing it…

When a Man Loves His Bed (and, therefore, hogs the thing like a SOB)

Agony Aunt. When oh when will men understand the bed isn't their special throne created solely for their vested interests!? To be clear, this is what beds exists for:

1 - Sleeping.
2 - Fornication. 
3 - Lying on it if you get a cold/the flu/plague.
4 - Slobbing out while eating crisps and watching Netflix.

That's it. Nothing else. Nothing in between. Just those 4 things and that's why beds are glorious.

But they're not so glorious when you have a no good son of a bitch husband who thinks he can use the bed to splay forth his hairy majesty to the sleeping world by HOGGING THE WHOLE BLOODY THING. You name it, he does it:

- Takes over THE ENTIRE BED
- Legs and arms splayed out in all directions
- SNORES LIKE A BASTARD
- Shoves me up against the bedroom wall
- Wraps the blanket around him like a cocoon

Every night! I'm left blanketless, shivering, awake, angry, and seething with the power of 1,000 suns! Bed hogging is basically manspreading.... but on a bed. How this is legal in civilised societies I do not know.

What do I do? Thanks, Jennifer

Hi there Jennifer. Bed hogging is a common complaint amongst couples, married or otherwise, and there’s a very simple solution—bed wetting.

Once your husband starts hogging the bed, intentionally wet yourself and the fouled bed will be rendered an unsleepable environment.

Your husband will have no choice but to wake up, get off the bed, curse your very existence, and then sleep on the sofa (or something). Take this opportunity to highlight it’s his fault as he hogs the bed.

Use this discussion template to address the matter:

“Husband of mine. You are hogging the bed. Therefore, I have wet the bed. This shall be the arrangement henceforth until you cease to be a no-good IGNORAMUS who believes our bed (not yours, ours!) to be a personal throne to slake your selfish sleeping desires. Capeesh!?”

If he’s a particularly obstinate sort, there’ll likely be a blazing row over his bed hogging behaviour. If possible, to continue to wet yourself (or foul your pants) to continue highlighting your point as you scream abuse at each other.

Should this fail to address his bed hogging, you’ll need to go nuclear. Options for this include the following:

1. Setting fire to the bed.
2. Writing cuss words on his forehead whilst he sleeps.
3. Stealing his wallet.
4. Refusing to wash the bedsheets for months, so either he has to do it (every human male’s nightmare) or you’ll continue to sleep on increasingly dank, musty, and unpleasant bedding he no longer wishes to hog as it’s all so bloody gross.
5. Filing for divorce.

The above are desperate measures, of course, but that’s the only steps you can take when you reach an emergency situation like this.

Whilst bed hogging isn’t a crime, you still may wish to report your husband to the police for being a total dickhead.