Chopsticks at work are regulated by The Chopsticks at Work Act 1974. The purpose of the Act is to regulate the use of workplaces and chopsticks therein.
As an employer, it’s your duty of care to ensure your employees don’t all accidentally poke each other’s eyes out over a meal of instant noodles.
As such, you should follow this guide for insightful insights into the world of chops, sticks, and employees punching each other in the face.
Chopsticks and the Hell on Earth of Using Them at Work
In section 137 (z) on page 13,451 of The Chopsticks at Work Act 1974, the Act states:
“Some of your employees may want to eat food such as sushi, noodles, and/or full English breakfasts (with tomatoes removed, as they are allergic to tomatoes, but definitely not fussy eaters no not at all) in order to appear sophisticated while slaking their hunger.”
That’s the reason people use chopsticks at work.
However, on section 138 (f) of the aforementioned Act it states the horrors that may develop when staff members indulge in chopped stick usage:
“Do note, if you allow chopsticks into your workplace this may result in a total bloodbath with many deaths. It is quite common for chopsticks in the workplace to result in duels, warfare, and manic stabbings.
This is often due to innocuous seeming splatter from the chopstick user. For example, one lunch break Doreen from accounts may be eating her tuna sandwich silently while secretly fuming because she is jealous of Linda from marketing. She is younger and prettier and has nice hair. Then, like a merciless noodle-based Medusa from the bowels of Hell, Linda gets Chinese food splatter onto Doreen’s favourite work dress after a minor chopstick mishap.
‘Bitch!’ Screams Doreen, to which Linda looks surprised, before realising her dreadful error of judgement.
‘Oh, sorry honey! I didn’t mean to do that, that’s my fault. Let me get you a kitchen towel and…’ But Doreen interrupts with a sweep of her arm before pelting her tuna sandwich straight at Linda’s face while screaming, ‘DON’T YOU ‘HONEY’ ME, YOU PRINCESS BITCH SPLATTER BASTARD! I’ve been working here nine year, me, and NEVER in mine life have I been splattered with Chinese noodle sauce from a chopsticks wielding savage!’
Linda is ashamed of her actions and immediately hands in her notice, even though she knows this means she will not be able to pay her bills or rent for that month.
However, homelessness and starvation are lesser options then the sheer, unbridled embarrassment of being That Colleague At Work Who Splatters You With Food Sauce As They INSIST Upon Using Chopsticks.
Years later and the same fate befalls plucky young Linda. Once again accosted by an outraged colleague jealous of her flowing, long, blonde hair, this time Linda decides to defend herself. Sadly, this results in an 235 year life term prison sentence for Linda after she decimates the entire office in a chopstick-based killing frenzy.
When quizzed by the police about her rampage, in a daze she stated, ‘What is another name for a knife? A chopstick!’ Apparently, the final 35 years on her prison sentence was down to that pun alone.”
As you can see, chopsticks at work ruin lives, livelihoods, and you’d be better off keeping them out of your business.
Unless you, like, run out of forks.
How to Banish Chopsticks From the Workplace
As alternatives for consuming food, you may wish to distribute forks, spoons, and sporks to all of your employees.
However, we can recommend our patented chainsaw chopsticks, too.
As loud and annoying these items may be, they’re infinitely safer to use than normal chopsticks and present absolutely no danger to you or your workforce in the slightest.
However, if employees insist upon using chopsticks then you have two courses of action available to you (as an employer):
- Bludgeon the offending employee to death.
- Through the use of something such as a big stick from the car park (NB: NOT a chopstick—a STICK!)
- Allow them to eat with chopsticks.
- They’ll need to sign a legal waiver before doing so.
The legal waiver will need to be packed out with confusing legalese so they can’t really understand what’s going on.
Adapt the following template to match your business’ requirements.
Dear [employee’s name],
It is with due diligence we note, beyond the machinations of our jurisdiction, you have deigned to consume food in our working environment through the use of a pair of small, thin, and tapered sticks of wood that are, commonly, used as eating implements and that are, commonly, referred to as “chopsticks”.
Pertaining to our Company Handbook, per se, and with reference, ibid, to the, sic, Actus Reus within the affidavit of Leonard v. Pepsico, Inc., 88 F. Supp. 2d 116, (S.D.N.Y. 1999), aff’d 210 F.3d 88 (2d Cir. 2000), the burden of proof lies with you, the employee, and the pair of chopsticks you intend to consume food with, thus to avoid in pari delicto and, therefore, is within the confines of lacuna (NB: By which we do not mean that song Hakuna Matata from the 1994 Disney film Lion King).
If you are able and willing to commit malum in se and await mediation, then novus actus interveniens and obiter dicta. Pro bono (NB: By which we do not mean Bono from the band U2).
If you are willing to die horribly (or make other people deaded) in the name of using chopsticks, you must sign and date on the below line to indicate this is no fault of the employer for which you maintain an existing contract of employment [insert employer’s name, for example: Big Bob’s Belting Bins Business Ltd.]
Name: ………………………. Date: ………………………….
Once the employee has signed upon the dotted line, smack them around the head for being a dolt before letting them go off to enjoy their delicious, tasty oodles of noodles.
